You Just Think You Know Me

My Life Today

As of today, my dad has been gone for almost 8 months. Nothing has changed since the day he took his last breath. I still miss him every single day! It doesn't get easier with time. The image of him taking his last breath never leaves me. What I would give to have him back. I would love to hear his voice, see him, and hug him. I know that will never happen -I know he is gone.

This year was his first birthday in Heaven. He would have been 56 years old. I had a big celebration of life party for him and released 56 balloons into the sky. It was a good turnout, and everything went great. Well everything except the part where my mother was telling me about everything I done wrong and what I should have done instead. I couldn't believe it. I mean, really? At a time like today, you're going to put me down like this. She didn't care what day it was though - she never did.

The next day, we found out my precious Aunt Marie had passed away. She was also only 55 years old. Why was I losing everyone I love? Why did God have to take them away? Why couldn't they stay for just a little longer? Why did she have to die right around Mothers Day? What about her precious grandkids? They'll never know just how precious and sweet she was. They're going to miss out on possibly the best grandma in the world - because now she was gone. Her funeral was set for the day after Mother's Day. On Mother's Day, it was also my mom's birthday. So, we decided to have a cookout for her to celebrate. I picked her up and from the time she walked in the house, she was putting down everything we were doing. Fred couldn't grill the steaks the way she wanted, I had 7 different dressings for the salad but she wanted blue cheese – so she grabbed the ranch and said, "I guess this will have to do". We got two different cakes, just to make sure we had something she liked... But no, she didn't like those either. She finally said to just take her home, which I did. She never once said thank you or anything.

The day of my Aunts funeral my mom rode with us to the funeral home. While at the funeral, she was yelling, "It's so hot in here, why is it so hot?" She was saying this literally every time someone walked in to pay their respects. She was also criticizing the picture they chose to use; saying, "That don't look anything like my sister, why would they use that pic?" I had heard enough. So, I walked out of the room and when I did, she started telling everyone how bad of a daughter I was for not calling her every day, and for not ever answering her calls. They believed her of course and said I'd get what was coming to me. Little did they know why I was ignoring her calls. It was for the sake of my mental health. I just can't take talking to that woman every day, it literally drains me emotionally. 

My depression and anxiety have been through the roof for a while now. I've been suicidal, I've cried just about every day/night, I can't shake it. It's  stuck to me like a leach. It will never go away. Its got me doubting myself, my family, my friends, and my life. I'm not sure of anything anymore because of it. I just wish I could be normal. I wish I could have lived a normal life without all the abuse and everything else I've had to endure. If I could turn back the hands of time - I would. A lot of people say they wouldn't because they learned from their mistakes, and they wouldn't be where they were today if they went back. But if I was given the chance to live life over without the abuse and everything I've been through - I would do it in a heartbeat!