You Just Think You Know Me

Am I Not Loveable?

Am I not loveable? That's a question I always ask myself, still to this day. It had been several years since we had seen or heard from my biological father; whom by this time, I was referring to as just a sperm donor. Apparently, he called my mom and got permission to call and talk to Nick and come pick him up whenever he wanted.

I found out my biological father had been calling and talking to Nick when I wasn't at home. He even come to pick him up one day, when he realized I wasn't going to be there. What did I do so wrong to make him not want to see or talk to me? Was I that bad of a person?

All he ever done to me was tell my mom he was sending me stuff; she'd tell me, I'd get all excited only for nothing to ever show up. So, he was constantly breaking my heart. However, I was over it by now. Although, it still hurt, I really didn't expect anything less from him. Which was ok, because Richard was fulfilling his spot. He was in all essence my Dad! But something was still missing. We ended up moving again, this time to a beautiful rock house on Hwy 150. I was in love with this house, it was so beautiful. I was still missing something in my life, the need to feel loved. Was that asking too much?

I just wanted to feel loved, so I kept trying to find guys to date. I started talking to a guy named Brian. It was cool talking to him because Lisa was talking to his best friend James. We went several places altogether, and that lasted for a while. I also ended up having sex with him. Because once again, I figured I had to in order to keep him interested in me. I found out later that he was cheating on me, so I broke up with him. Then I was alone again; did I mention I hate being alone?

After a few weeks, I met a guy named Michael at Wildlife. We hit it off fast, just like with every guy I had dated. Come to find out he was a virgin, and he wanted to have sex so he wouldn't be a virgin anymore. I caved in, and we had sex. He even asked me to marry him. Which scared me because we were so young. However, I said yes! But, like always a couple months later, we split up. Not even sure why.

Fast forward a few months and that's when I started talking to a guy named Don. I was head over heels for him. We done everything together, I didn't even feel pressured to have sex with him. We dated for what seemed like forever. Then we finally had sex, and he didn't leave me. He would come pick me up from school, take me home, everything. He graduated high school and enlisted in the Army. I was so proud of him, but heartbroken at the same time. This meant he would be leaving me. He ended up leaving to boot camp. During this time, I was working all the time trying to fill the void of him not being there until he returned. He came home from boot camp without me knowing, until he walked into Subway soaking wet. Come to find out, he got home and walked all the way from his house to Subway; in the pouring down rain, just to see me. Everyone was saying, "if that's not love, I don't know what is!" That actually scared me. I didn't want him to ever leave again, but he had to. It was so hard letting him go, and saying goodbye. I didn't know if I could keep saying goodbye, never knowing if he was coming back. I ended up breaking up with him while he was gone, because I was a coward and couldn't do it to his face. I never once told him anything that had happened to me. I just couldn't keep feeling so lonely. I know he needed me, and I never got over hurting him the way I did. He was a great guy and didn't deserve the way I treated him.

By this time, I was 17 and it was the end of my Junior year in high school. On May 21, 1999 we got the call that we were dreading; my Uncle James had passed away from cancer. He was the best uncle anyone could ask for, I loved him so very much and was so heartbroken. Shortly after his funeral, my mom talked Richard into moving back to SC. I told them I wasn't going back to SC, and if they made me, I would quit school. So, they moved without me! Leaving me to work and pay my own bills while going to school. I worked full-time at Subway, and part-time at an after-school care program. I didn't have a social life outside of work, but my bills were paid.