You Just Think You Know Me

Cancer Sucks!

I had to have an ablation back in December to stop me from bleeding. The surgery was only supposed to last about 45 minutes, it ended up lasting almost 3 hours. They never told me why it took so long, until I went back to the doctor in January. That's when I was told I had cancer. They found it when they went in to do the ablation and they had to call in the oncologist. A biopsy was done and they said I needed a hysterectomy to hopefully get rid of it all as it was in the beginning stages (stage 1). I was scared to death. Why did they wait four weeks for me to come in for my follow-up before telling me this? What about my babies? They needed me, I'm their mama. What was I going to do?

One thing I never done during this time was call and tell my dad, mom or anyone else in the family. I couldn't put that kind of worry on them. So, they never knew what I was going through. Only close friends knew, and of course Fred and the kids. It was so hard telling the kids. I mean, what is the right way to tell your children you have cancer?

I was set up to have my hysterectomy on April 2nd. I was ready, I wanted the cancer out. I was positive they would get it all. That didn't mean I wasn't also nervous about the surgery. What if I didn't wake up? What if they didn't get it all? What was I going to do then? Why was I going through this? Had I not already been through enough?

My friend Ashley came to stay with us so she could help out once I got home from surgery. The day of the surgery was like any other. We decided to let the kids stay home, just in case something were to happen. We arrived at the hospital and they started prepping me for surgery. I was so scared, but I tried not to show it because I could tell Fred was worried. They said the surgery would take about an hour and a half, after the hour and a half Fred started worrying. The screen said I was still in surgery. The surgery ended up lasting over three hours!

I wasn't sure what was going on when I finally started waking up..  All I knew was there was two nurses standing over me saying, "Her oxygen levels aren't good, she's got to start breathing." Then they would look at me and yell, "Breathe sweetie, we need you to breathe!" I thought to myself, I am breathing – leave me alone. They wouldn't stop, and it sent me into a panic attack. They let Fred come back there and he was able to calm me down and get me breathing better. My oxygen levels finally moved from the 60-70s to the low 90s. Then, out of nowhere my blood sugar dropped very low, they got that under control with a shot. After so many complications they ended up keeping me overnight for observation. It's true what they say, 'you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have!'

We found out that they were able to get all the cancer! They said it took them a long time because of all the scar tissue from my previous surgeries. I was so happy! I couldn't wait to tell my babies. I got discharged from the hospital that following day. I went home and started getting things ready for Aundrea's birthday party that was set for the next day at Pizza Hut. It was painful, but I'd do anything for my babies.

I have really bad anxiety, so my hair always falls out from time to time. However, after the surgery I was put on medicine that started making my hair fall out even more than it was. To me my hair was a part of me! I can't stand it falling out. I can't stand looking in the mirror and seeing a different bald spot every time. I can't stand clogging the shower drain because my hair has clogged it up. It's very depressing, aggravating, and overwhelming to me. It's hard to explain to anyone how it makes me feel. I applaud the women that can just shave their heads and it not bother them. To me they are amazing strong women. I only wish I was that strong. It sucks that all my invisible illnesses cause hair loss. I basically stand no chance at ever having a full head of hair again. I would never wish invisible illnesses on anyone! From the outside looking in, it's hard to understand. From the inside looking out, it's hard to explain!