Borrowed • Jesse Lingard

seventeen.

"Montana I know you might not want to talk about it but please answer me one thing. Why did you not tell me what happened?" Zoe asks still sitting with her arms around me. As much as I'd love to give her the answers she wants, the truth is I don't have any. There's nothing I can say that will justify why I kept this to myself for so long.

"I want to tell you why I kept it quiet but the truth is nothing I say is going to be a good enough reason. I thought I was protecting everyone around me by not telling them exactly what he was like" I say. To this day I can not bring myself to say his name. He's damaged me and in my head he doesn't deserve a name.

"You know I would have quite literally chopped his dick off with a meat cleaver for you if I'd known about this. I feel disgusted with myself that I was telling people that you two just broke up"

"I know you would have but he isn't worth going to prison for. You wouldn't have know any different Zoe. I lied to your face and told you we just decided it was for the best"

"When all along you were stood there bruised and broken because of him" Zoe says cutting me off. This is another reason I didn't want anyone to know. They look at me and all they see is someone who isn't me.

"Zoe don't think about that. I saw my bruises and you don't need that image in your head. Yes it was horrific but I'm not letting it define who I am. It happened to me and I've had therapy to help me deal with it. I've placed that whole thing in a box and that box is locked away forever. Don't think of me as a victim" I say sitting up wiping my eyes. I've already cried too much over him and I need to stop.

"But you were a victim and you were all alone. I can't help feeling guilty for not noticing how hurt you were"

"I hid it well, no one knew apart from the professionals I saw for help. They encouraged me to tell someone who I'm close to but if I'm honest after that happened I didn't feel like I could trust anyone. I know now that was the wrong way to deal with it but in my mind if he could do that when he was supposed to love me, what could someone else do to me" after everything it took me a while to start trusting anyone again, even my close friends and even now I struggle to trust people.

"You know I could never hurt you don't you?" Zoe asks and I can tell she's worried I won't ever trust even her again.

"Of course! I worked on my issues and now I know that it was all on him. I'm not to blame, my friends and family aren't to blame. Literally just him and he made that choice" I say looking down at my hands. "I'm fighting this Zoe. Please don't worry about me"

"You're not fighting it alone. Remember that, you already know any time day or night I'm at the other end of the phone" Zoe says handing me a glass of wine, I shouldn't while I have Anoushka but I feel like I need it "one more question then I'll stop talking about it. Why did you tell Jesse?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I'd just had the phone call from Australia and he was there. He was the last person I ever expected telling but he was so supportive. He just held me and let me cry" I explain thinking back to when Jesse found out. "Now it's time to move on and forget about Australia. Who knows I might actually be able to go back and visit one day"

"You're strong you'll do it. It might be in your own time and on your terms but I believe in you" not responding to Zoe I sit and think about Chris, I have no idea what's going to happen with him or what he's going to say. My mum can't know and the more people who find out the bigger the risk is. I know I should tell her but it will literally break her.

Three days later I walk into Jesse's house with Anoushka, he's finally been discharged from hospital however I'm keeping Anoushka with me so it's easier for him. Realising Jesse's home alone I feel like this is the first time we're really going to get the chance to talk after I ended things.