Borrowed • Jesse Lingard

twenty six.

As the end of January nears its my last day in Paris. I finished my last shift at Paris-Charles De Gaulle yesterday and the next time I'll be back will be for my flight home that leaves this evening. Looking around my apartment that's now all packed up ready for the next person I'm emotional. It's been a rollercoaster living in Paris for six months but it was exactly what I needed at the time. After a long drawn out goodbye with Chelsea and Hannah and the promise to meet up back in the UK I'm ready to go home. Taking the last of my bags to the front entrance I spot Neymar who despite everything insisted on picking me up.

"How you feeling?" Neymar asks putting my cases into his car.

"Good. I'm excited to get home and back in my own bed. I'll miss Paris but it's only an hour or so on a flight so I can come back any time" I already know I'll be back in Paris. I don't know when I just know this won't be the last time.

"I hope you will. You always have somewhere to stay as well"

"Ney you don't have to do this, any of it. I know I've hurt you" neither one of us have mentioned anything about our break up but I know it hasn't been easy.

"Honestly I think you did us both a favour. We weren't right for each other and I'd rather be really good friends with you than anything else"

"You're way too understanding" I say hugging him before I get into his car. So many people would've hated me for this, I'm lucky Neymar's taken everything so well. Maybe he's right and we are better off being friends.

Arriving at the airport it feels bittersweet. I'm ready to get back home to whatever my new normal is but at the same time I'm going to miss Paris. I feel like did all I can in Paris now it's time to settle back in England where my family are within walking distance.

"This is me then. Thank you for making my Paris experience what it has been. It wouldn't have been the same without you" I say hugging Neymar. I really do hope we can stay friends.

"You don't have to thank me for anything. I know you would've had the best time even if we didn't meet up again"

"Obrigado por ser você. Você é o melhor (Thank you for being you. You're the best)" I may have learned a little more Portuguese from Andreas but it feels fitting that I do.

"All this effort I hope you'll be fluent in Portuguese the next time I see you. Adeus Montana"

"Don't you dare say goodbye Ney. This is a te vejo em breve" it has to be a see you soon I can't bear the thought of saying goodbye. To me goodbyes are final. Hugging Neymar one last time I kiss his cheek before making my way to the check in desk. Within a matter of hours I'll be back in Manchester.

As I walk through my front door I dump my suitcases. I'm actually pleased to be home. This is the place I've come to feel most settled. The place I don't see myself leaving for a long time. Ignoring my suitcases I make a coffee to warm myself up

"Welcome home Montana" I mutter to myself as I flick through the TV before settling on Grey's Anatomy repeats. I've seen them all so many times before I don't need to concentrate on what's happening. Being back in my own home this is the first time I've truly felt on my own and I'm okay with that.

The next morning I wake up feeling fresh. I have a few days to settle in at home before I have to be back at work. Deciding to make the most of this time I shower and get dressed before walking to my brothers house.

"Guess who's home!" I shout walking into the house probably making Sam wish that they never gave me a key.

"Montana!" Anoushka shouts running out of the living room and into my arms.

"When did you get back?" Sam asks following Anoushka.

"Last night. I got home had a coffee and went to bed"

"Are you staying forever?" Anoushka asks playing with my hair. Despite all she goes through her innocence is adorable.

"I'm staying forever Nooshi" I say hugging her. My ex-lover's daughter but yet she means the world to me. "Why don't you play with Leo and I'll be right here with Sam okay?"

"How's it been since you got back?" Sam asks as she passes me a coffee.

"It's only been one night but it's like I never left. I always thought living abroad was for me but now I've done it in two countries I feel like that part of my life is over. It's time to make a proper home and life here for myself. England is home"

"You've got no idea how happy that makes me. It also means you'll be here when we have Leo's christening and you'll get to officially become the godmother we've always wanted you to be"

"What?" I ask confused. Watching Sam hand me an envelope I open it to see a card with a photo of Leo on the front. Reading it my eyes fill with tears. 'I need an extra pair of hands to help me learn and grow. I think you'll be the best because mummy and daddy told me so. Auntie Montana will you be my godmother?'.

"Can I take them tears as a yes?" Sam says with a laugh.

"Yes! Oh my god yes! Thank you so much for asking me!" I might already be Leo's auntie but I can't wait to become his godmother as well!

"I hope you don't mind but we've asked Jesse to be godfather"

"Don't be stupid Sam! Leo's your baby and you can choose whoever you want. I'd never stop you asking Jesse if that's what you want no matter how my relationship with him is" I say looking at Sam. I couldn't ever put her or my brother in a position where they question their decision as parents. If they think Jesse's up to it then that's up to them, I'll stand around that font next to Jesse if I have to.

"Thanks Montana. Don't worry we didn't ask Daniela"

"I didn't think you'd be that stupid" I say seriously. The woman can't even be there for her own daughter.

"I heard you spoke to him at the New Year's Eve party"

"Andreas. The little shit" I say through gritted teeth. He was the only one who knew I spoke to Jesse. I bet he let Sam bully him into telling her "it was just a brief conversation. Nothing exciting"

"He gave Dani divorce papers between Christmas and New Years" Sam says sipping her coffee.

"Oh how very eastenders of him" I say rolling my eyes. I need time to process this. Jesse's now a single man, well separated but let's be honest they're basically the same thing. Remembering the advice Andreas gave me I know I can't go running straight to Jesse. Even if I want to. "Everything he said at New Years makes so much more sense now"

"What do you mean? What did he say?" After leaving Paris I thought all of the drama would be over, guess I thought wrong. However I feel like I live in a soap opera and I don't like this feeling.

"He just said he was sorry about everything that happened and that he hopes I don't hate him. Now I feel like he was really down and he wanted someone to talk to but he didn't want to say anything and put a dampener on anyone's night" I say thinking about Jesse's behaviour and demeanour when we spoke.

"What makes you think that?"

"Just the way he was Sam. It was like he was vulnerable but inside the house no one would've thought anything was wrong" I say realising that despite everything Jesse still feels like he can come to me after I've been so awful to him.

"I didn't think anything was wrong!" Sam says and I know she's shocked even from the look on her face.

"I think I might go over and see him" seeing the horror on Sam's face I speak quickly "don't worry I'm not going to jump into bed with him. Neither of us need that right now. I'm over being angry I just want to make sure he's okay and that he knows I care"

"I'm sure he knows you care but I'm not going to try and stop you. You're an adult and I'm going to trust that you know what you're doing"

"I have no idea what I'm doing but thanks Sam" finishing my coffee I'm decided. No more arguing with myself. I'm going to see Jesse tonight after training.