Borrowed • Jesse Lingard

twenty five.

As New Years Eve arrives I'm ready to go round to my brothers house where he's decided to throw a party. I know Jesse is going to be there and I'm nervous. I knew I wouldn't be able to avoid him forever but that still doesn't prepare me for the moment when I actually see him.

"Are you ready Ney?" I'll just drive rather than getting a cab then we can just stay over at Chris' tonight" I say walking out of the bathroom. The sooner I get a drink the better because I need something to get me through tonight.

Arriving at Chris and Sam's house I notice there's a few cars parked and the party is in full swing. In true Montana style I'm obviously late.

"Don't these guys have a game tomorrow?" Neymar asks as we walk into the house.

"The day after but they shouldn't be drinking even tonight but they won't be told" I say with a shrug. These are all grown men and even if they have a game in a few days no one can make them do anything they don't want to do.

Finding Sam in the kitchen I pass her the bottle of champagne I've brought with me. I'm anxious how tonight will play out. Last New Year's Eve Jesse was my midnight kiss this year I'm doing my best to avoid him at all costs. Looking around the house I start to see everyone who I recognise.

"Montana!" Nicky shouts waving me over "I didn't know you were still here! I thought you'd gone back to Paris!"

"We decided to stay. Ney doesn't have any games for another few weeks and he has Davi for Christmas so we decided to stay in Cheshire" I say with a shrug. My plan was to spend Christmas in Paris but it makes sense to spend it at home when neither of us need to be in Paris.

"You seem happy Montana and I know everyone has an opinion on your personal life but it's nice to see a smile on your face"

"Thanks Nicky" I know I sound like I'm not interested but it's getting monotonous now. I might be happy but it's starting to annoy me how many people seem to comment on it. Deciding to wander around the house I find Andreas. The one person I know I can actually talk to without Jesse or Neymar being brought up if I don't want to talk about them. "Is he here?" I ask not needing to mention a name.

"Yeah he was with the lads in the games room" that's me avoiding that room for a while. "How's it going?"

"I don't even know any more. I don't know what to think or what to feel. I'm happy but there's just something that's stopping me being all in and completely happy. I mean look at him Andreas" I say discreetly pointing to Neymar who's talking to Fred. "He could have been in Brazil over Christmas with his family but he stayed with me because I have to work" I say hoping no one hears me. I feel like when I talk to Andreas it's the only time I can be completely honest with anyone.

"I can't say I know how you feel because I haven't been in your situation but I think if you feel like that should you really be together?"

"I know I thought that myself. Don't get me wrong he's amazing and one of the nicest people I've ever met and the sex is fucking fantastic"

"Montana! I don't need to know that!" Andreas practically shouts cutting me off before laughing.

"It's true! But can I really stay in a relationship when realistically I'm not being honest with myself or him" I say with a sigh. I know what I need to do but I don't want to hurt anyone. It's comes across like I've used Neymar as a rebound when that genuinely wasn't the case.

"Montana I can't tell you what to do and you know that. I know what I'd do if I was you but I can't tell you exactly what to do. I think deep down you know"

"Tell me what you'd do if you were me please" I know there's only me who can decide but I need to hear what someone else would do in my situation. With a sigh Andreas turns to look at me.