If in a few years you ask about a reference couple of passion and complicity, people will tell you their story.
Their love was the same way a spark makes a gunpowder explode yet it burns slowly. It's the same way one momentarily seems to vanquish...
As planned, I went back to my house in Malibu after an hour from the hotel. Only to find all the chores I was about to work on all done. Taylor.
Just when my feet brought me to my room, I stopped halfway at the sight of him doing I suppose final touch ups of the chores I was supposed to be doing at the dining area.
Before I could open my mouth to speak or anything of that matter, he began. "Stef. Listen, I'd love to hug you and all, but I know we need to talk and I just need a quick shower. Give me 5 minutes?" He let out a smile.
Numb, I just nodded at him and went to my room to prepare myself as well. Thinking that it will probably be better not to worry on the things I should say to him in the next couple of minutes, I made a mental checklist that will transpire after this ted talk.
My rail of thoughts faded as Taylor sat at the opposite end of the bed, facing his entire body towards my direction. "I know what you saw was... I can't even imagine how you felt. Betrayal, hurt and you have all the right to feel that way and do however you please to let them out. But I can't lead you on lashing into things that might make you think justifies things because I, too am beyond confused and angry. I know getting irresponsibly drunk will not get me out of what happened but the most honest thought I can spare you is that I really am sorry and I love you. Love you enough to understand if you want to take a step back from the engangement and enough to fight for the last 4 years of our lives to carry on for more." Taylor brought his eyes to the palm of his hand which he was fumbling on his lap.
"T, I don't know if I-"
"What do you need Stef? What do I have to do for you to forgive me? Time? Space? Name it and I'll do my best to give them to you."
For an hour or so of sorting things out, I feel like I can write a song from the overwhelming mix of emotions swirling around my system as we exchange words from our minds.
We hugged things through before going back to the dining room for breakfast.
Placing my phone on my side of the table as I helped Taylor grab the cups of coffee and crepes he made which kind of turned into pancakes.
Ding. A text from Mark Ronson.
'Hey. I'm at the studio. I wanted to let you know that I've got some couple of chords prepped. Can't wait for you to hear them.'
Taylor and I enjoyed breakfast like awkward teenagers having a good time on their first date. I stood up and placed the dishes on the sink. I kissed his cheek and just as I made my way out of the house, I called out to Taylor and said, "I'll be home late."
"I'm gonna give you a week of just me proving to you how much I would never do such thing, not even close to what happened baby. For a week, think of it as the first few days when we first met. As a reminder of how good this, is for something to break." He said and kissed my forehead to which I only smiled and nodded.
Before getting in the car, I shoot Mark a quick reply.
'That's great man. I'm on my way. Be there in 30 mins.'
The sounds of my shoes landing on the rocks and the remnants of the collision when my hood crashed to Mark's rear bumper kept ringing on my ear as I walked towards the derelict shelter that will be our improvised studio.
I insisted on renting the place for months since I felt like it will put us into the right type of mood. It's exactly what I needed for the album which has been swirling through my brain for a couple of weeks now.
"Mark?" I call out, making my way inside.
I faintly hear him shout a reply, "Hey, What's up?"
"I got... I just hit your car. I'm so sorry. " I apologized, putting a hand on my forehead in frustration and embarrassment.
He turned the chair around facing me and raised his hand in the air and joked, "Bro, I wish if you had a problem with me just tell it to my face not to my bumper."
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I laughed in relief and he engulfed me into an embrace.
"It's all good. Is it bad?" he asked but it looks like he was not so worked up with it. Thank God.
Leading him outside the studio, we sat on the ground and I explained, "I've got all kinds of sounds in mind, from upbeat straight down to ballad. I know the fast pace of my music has had its high and I don't think I can keep going on the same pattern anymore you know?"
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"So, what exactly do you need to write?" Mark asked.
I continued, "I want to do the exact opposite of what people expect from me. I want to share a part of my soul for people to remember, songs they can sing their hearts out to. Songs that mean something, not just for the mere beat they can twerk to. With all the things going on in my life, I feel like digging deep down my past and soul is the right thing to do. I just need to know how to remember and be with Joanne."
Mark nodded understandingly and he started strummed 4 chords repetitively on his guitar and said, "Okay. We'll be doing exactly that. Perfect illusion is up for final touch ups and it's all set"
"Oh my goodness, that's really great!" I cheered at the news.
"At least we've got one thing off the list and more to go. I think we should play with the piano for a bit. You've got lyrics in mind and a ringing tune that we need to sort. I can basically hear and see it from there." He laughs, pointing a finger on my forehead.
"It's not gonna be a sad album. I want it to be an album that reveals me as a woman. I wanna reach that girl in the crowd who's got a kid in her hand and two kids running around her and a glass of beer in the other and she's crying her eyes out with heirloom jewelry on from her grandma," I concluded as we made our way back inside. Phrases from earlier came pondering on my mind as my fingers made contact on the keys of the piano and the typewriter beside me.
"Awesome. We'll really start everything next week then", we agreed on the schedule that I started plotting on my phone.
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For a bit, we let our minds, hands ears, voices and hearts guide us through music that eventually transformed into becoming songs that expressed what I felt with Taylor, my family, my past and overall situation. But little did I know my encounter with an aspiring director I was about to meet at my home the next few days will also play a part of this journey.
