One Thing On Top of the Other

Chapter Two - September

It had only been a month, but my grades already looked like shit. I was so used to it by then that it barely bothered me. I still did my work to the best of my ability, but once I missed the due date I moved on to the next thing. I tried to stay caught up with the present, but the present always ended up slowly fading into the past, with all of the other mistakes I could never take back.

The voice asked me why I was still trying, and I said it was because I had hope and determination.

Do you? You sure as hell don't act like it.

I said nothing.

"Are you good?"

I snapped out of it. Darian and Sandra were both giving me a concerned look. I tended to zone out in Geometry because I didn't understand it whatsoever and Mrs. Westerfield was very boring to listen to sometimes.

"Yeah, just spacing out. What are you guys talking about?"

"I was just telling Sandra about this hilarious meme I saw. So, there's this crack head kid who gets hit in the forehead with a basketball and he screams, "Yah!!"

The way Darian said it was hilarious, I had to plug my nose to keep myself from laughing. Sandra and I watched as Darian told us about all sorts of funny things, and we were both trying so hard to contain ourselves. Eventually Westerfield noticed our giggling fit and said:

"Do I need to separate you three?"

We politely said no and we acted like mature students for the rest of the class period.

We had a lot of days like that together, both inside and outside the classroom. I tried to hang onto days like that when my mind felt empty.

As the month came to a close, I noticed that I was struggling to keep it together even more than usual. I either felt anxious and jittery or I felt low and unmotivated. I've been in this cycle my entire life. I'll start out hopeful, I'll do okay for a couple weeks, and then everything starts going downhill. My parents and my teachers will then have a meeting to try and figure out how to get me back on track, which is successful for a while, until I lose the drive, and then the cycle starts again.

Just give up, you're bound to fail anyway.

No. I can't be, everyone is put on Earth for a reason, I just haven't found mine yet.. Right? Sure, the other kids are better than me at literally everything, but there has to be something I have that is unique.

Whatever you say. Maybe it would be better if -

I tuned out. I had to get to third period, and I couldn't let myself get distracted. Despite having to repeat a semester of 9th grade English, I always had a positive mindset. Mrs. Judway was very charismatic in the way she taught, and she was always looking for ways to make each and every day a bit different from the last. That particular day was different because we has a guest poet coming in, which was sometimes the only thing I had to look forward to all day.

I took my seat in the back of the classroom. I used to be up front with my English acquaintances Jacob and Shawna, but seats shifted over time. They were usually talking about Steven Universe anyway, a show that I'm not familiar with. I was somewhat okay with it though because I started talking to the boy who sat in front of me, who was much more interesting to talk to anyway. His name is Isaiah.

Isaiah is probably one of the most innocent ninth grade boys I'd ever met, but it wasn't a bad thing by any means. In fact, it was kind of admirable in a way. We didn't talk much outside of English for the most part, because we had different groups of friends.

Or it could just be the fact that you're really annoying.

I sighed. A lot of people had told me that I was annoying, and it caused me to feel a numerous amount of emotions. But whatever.

The guest poet told us to write a poem about our home. I tried to think of something profound to remember New Mexico by, but I got nothing. So I wrote about how plain it is, and how I wanted to get out of here. I began to dream about being somewhere calm and peaceful, like Connecticut or Vermont. But then another part of me pictured New York, or Los Angeles. I've always wanted to be on a stage, being praised for something I loved and was passionate about.

Good luck with that, you have to have talent to stand in front of the world.

I ripped my head out of the clouds and I brought it back to the cold Earth where it belongs.