One Thing On Top of the Other

Home

My home life was like my school life, up and down. My parents divorced when I was very young, so I've been going back and forth between households my entire life.

My mother's household is very different from my father's household in every way shape and form. I have five half-sisters, three of them live on my dad's side and the other two live on my mom's side.

My mom is busy a lot. She works at Red Lobster as one of the managers, and from what I can tell it's a pretty rough job. She always has a lot to do, both inside and outside of work. This doesn't leave too much time first her to spend with my sisters and I, but she takes every chance she gets. The atmosphere is almost always calm and relaxed, which is really nice. However, the house is so dirty! For example, the dishwasher is so old that the dishes never come out clean so whenever I want a dish I have to check and see how dirty it is. And don't even get me started on the bathrooms.

On the other hand, my dad's is always clean. No spotty dishes or nasty bathrooms. We try to clean the house somewhat frequently, and if everyone pitches in it doesn't take too long. I definitely feel a lot more comfortable with using the appliances at my dad's because I know that they will work correctly.

But the environment in an emotional sense? Seven out of ten days, complete and utter chaos. My younger sisters fight constantly, my stepsister teases me about things I'm very sensitive about, and my parents can't handle the madness in an acceptable manner at all. Instead of calm and rational problem solving, they act out of rage. For example, if my younger sisters are fighting over a doll, my parents solution is to take the doll away and never give it back. Instead of getting the girls to come to a reasonable compromise to make them both happy, they just take away the thing that they both want, which makes neither of them happy.

The inability to handle fighting can also result in violence sometimes, usually emotionally rather than physically. But in my opinion, the verbal abuse is worse than the physical abuse. I was often told that I was stupid, worthless, lazy, ungrateful, hateful, selfish, spoiled, and many other things. I understand now that they acted out of anger and frustration, but at the time I actually believed every word they said. This makes me very upset because I know that my sisters probably believe it too, and they do not deserve that.

As I got older and my mind began visiting darker places, the negative voices I heard from the outside began to feed the negative voices on the inside. It was like my dad was proving the little voice inside right.

But was it really abuse? Or was I just being dramatic? I couldn't really tell the difference between the two, so I never said anything. Besides, I really can't complain about either household, I'm always well fed and I'm kept warm at night, and there are plenty of kids that would love to be where I am.