One Thing On Top of the Other

Am I Invisible?

I hated myself. I hated that I was back in this spot. I knew this all too well. This is what depression felt like. But unlike back in eighth grade, I decided that I wasn't going down without a fight. I began looking for help everywhere. I talked to my teachers every single time I felt low, I talked to the guidance counselor, I talked to my friends, and it helped a little bit for a while.

Stop bugging everyone, they're busy and they have things of their own to deal with. You got yourself into this mess, and you have to get yourself out of it.

I began to feel really bad about telling people what was going on in my mind. I felt like I was starting to rely on the people around me too much, and it wasn't right. Ms. Padilla told me I needed to start seeing a therapist as soon as possible, or things were only going to get worse. My dad said he was working on it, but I felt like he was just saying that to make people stop bugging him about it.

It was around this time when I started thinking about running away. I wondered what it would be like, how I would feel, and how everyone else would feel.

Everyone would be better off without you. You make everyone's lives miserable and you're always causing inconveniences.

I had thought about running away millions of times before this, but I never acted on it. I was always worried about what would happen to me if I did, what if someone raped me, or stabbed me, or kidnapped me? Those things were scary to imagine, and my fears on what would happen on the outside were the only things keeping me on the inside.

I also wondered how I would provide for myself. Would I have to beg? Steal? How would I make everything turn out okay in the end? Would there be more of a chance for me to be happy out in the real world?

You're a lost cause. Your mind is messed up, and it will always be messed up. No one can fix it, not even you.

Well if no one one could fix my head, then I guess there was no shame in telling my friends how I really felt right? But I didn't want to tell the wrong people. I thought about telling Sandra, but she was also working through things. I would never tell Nykhia,  because she wouldn't understand. I thought about telling Josie, Sandra's girlfriend. But she's always so happy, and I didn't want to be a downer for her. Then I thought of Isaiah.

Isaiah had eventually joined my group of friends, so we became more than just English acquaintances. He knew my mind to a certain degree, because he had read some of my poetry. I had been leaning on him a bit anyway, because Lavontrae always seemed to have an ailment that kept him from going to school. One time I was crying, and Isaiah had asked me what was wrong. I told him that Lavontrae wasn't going to be in school again, and he said that it would be okay. I started growing close to him after a little while. It took a little time for me to finally talk to Isaiah about what I was thinking about, but I finally did.

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, what's up?"

I took a deep breath.

"What would it be like if I wasn't here,  like if something happened to me..?"

Isaiah pondered that for a moment, while giving me a slightly worried look.

"It would be weird."

"Weird? Like, a good kind of weird or a bad kind of weird?"

"I don't know, it would just be weird. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I've kind of been thinking about running away."

Isaiah was quiet for a minute. I tried to figure out what he was thinking, but I couldn't. He looked like he was about to say something, but then the bell rung and we had to get to our next class.

"Hey, Jazmyn.. We'll talk about this more at lunch, okay?"

"Okay."

So we did. I told him about pretty much everything, about I began to feel hopeless, about how bad my grades were, and about my relationship difficulties. I didn't tell him about the little voice in my head though, because I wasn't sure how he would react. He listened the entire time, and he barely said a word. I was trying to figure out what he was thinking, but I still got nothing.

He probably thinks you're being dramatic.

I really hated the thought of that, so I began hoping he would say something to prove her wrong. But he remained silent.

After that day, I began telling Isaiah everything. Most days he wouldn't say too much, but one day he had told me that he thought about running away every once in a while, too. He said he felt like his parents were disappointed in him, because his grades weren't as good as he wanted them to be. I felt really bad for him, because I knew exactly how that felt. I tried to make him feel a little bit better by saying,

"Well for what it's worth, I don't think you're a disappointment at all. I think you're very smart. And if you ever do decide to run away, let me know. I'll go with you if you want."

When I said that, I realized that I really meant it. From that point on, I constantly thought about leaving with him and never coming back. I thought about going all over the city together, and seeing amazing things. And the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it to become reality.

What about Lavontrae? I mean, I never liked him but cheating on him? What's the matter with you?

But would that really be cheating? If we left together we would leave as best friends, not as a couple. But did that make much of a difference? I pondered this a little bit, and I came to the conclusion that it wasn't technically cheating. Besides, he probably didn't like me like that anyway. Or so I thought.

One day when we were both in a good mood, we were talking nonstop about the silliest things and making each other laugh, when he suddenly said:

"I actually really like you. Like a lot."

We were both a bit shocked. He was shocked because he said it so easily, and I was shocked because I don't think I'm that cute and I'm typically not the type of girl that boys have a crush on. Despite the shock, I was really happy that he said it.

"I like you too."

We talked about that for the rest of lunch, and then we went to our 6th period. For the first time in forever, I went to my dance class in a good mood. Maybe I wasn't invisible after all.