One Thing On Top of the Other

Chapter Six - January

My new schedule change for semester two was a lot to take in. I made a lot of academic gains, but I had a lot of losses as well. I had spent all of winter break trying to get better, trying to figure out what was wrong with me so I could finally fix the problem. Little did I know, I was being swarmed in an uncontrollable tornado that I was not able to fix. 

I wanted to use this chance to become who I used to picture in my vivid daydreams, to finally be who I both wanted and needed to be. Once I was taken away from everything, I was left with my thoughts.

Your daydreams will never be more than daydreams. 

I wanted to hold close to all of my hopes and ambitions, but even the light began to taunt me. My perfect self laughed at me every single time she entered my mind. Her confidence turned to arrogance, her sweet personality grew bitter. Yet, I still kind of wanted to be her. I just wanted to grow, to be something other than worthless. I just wanted to be someone.

You will never be like me. You will forever trap yourself inside of your own head. And it's all your fault.

If only you changed when you had the chance. If only you hadn't made so many mistakes. If only you weren't so petty. If only you were smart. If only you were talented. If only you were someone else.

If only. But I wasn't someone else. I was me, basic, stupid, ugly, talentless me. And I guess I just had to live with that. But I still fought even though I knew it was pointless. I didn't even know why I tried.

At the beginning of the month, I scrambled for each and every ounce of hope, praise, and attention I could gather. I knew what was happening to me. I was sinking. I tried to find literally anything I could to make me feel some sense of worth, even if that meant stooping to new lows. Sometimes I thought about admitting to faking the majority of my fainting spells, but I knew it wouldn't do me any favors. I would lose the little bit of care I was still getting. I wanted to fix everything from earlier in the year, and I wanted to cry out for help, I wanted to tell anyone and everyone that I was broken and that I would do anything to be fixed, but I couldn't because I didn't even know if I was broken for sure.

You're such a drama queen. This is nothing, there are kids who starve and get beaten every day. You're so spoiled and you don't even realize it. You don't deserve any of the amazing things you have or the people in your life. If anyone else had half of the things you have, they would be in paradise.

I heard the same things every day. I knew everything they said was true. And I knew I was on my own.

My friends always let me lean on them whenever I needed to, but with everything going on inside my head I could no longer let myself use them as a support system without feeling guilty. They deserved the best friend in the whole wide world, but I was not her and I knew I never would be. It wasn't until the middle of the month that I learned to accept it, and I finally stopped wrestling with my fate.

Lavontrae was having his own issues, and his attendance didn't improve at all. We hadn't talked for the entire duration of winter break, but I already knew that was going to happen because January was a very difficult time for him to say the least. He had felt so much loss in his lifetime, and it always struck in the first month of the year. He had warned me beforehand, so it didn't hurt as much as it could have if he didn't. The only problem was that logical explanations and understandable reasons didn't save me from the voices in my head. Nothing could.

This is all your fault. You're his girlfriend, you're supposed to be able to fix everything. Instead, you rub the salt into the wound and make him feel worse. You should let him go before you do anymore damage.

I knew they were right as usual, so I tried on many occasions but I ended up with the same result every time. He would beg and beg me to stay, even though I insisted that I wasn't good for him, that I was the problem. He would always take the blame and he would tell me that he would try harder to be in school and make me happy, even when I said I knew that it was my fault. He tried everything he could to make me feel some sort of self-worth, but it was shattered beyond repair.

I eventually gave up, so I told Sandra and Lavontrae about my plan to run away. I wasn't 100% set on it at the time, but I was getting pretty close to that. I asked Sandra one day in History:

"Hey, Sandra... how would you feel if something happened to me?"

"I would miss you a lot. You're one of my best friends and I would be devastated. Why?"

I didn't dance around how I was feeling like I did when I was telling Isaiah the exact same thing. I was very direct and I didn't say it with any uncertainty.

"I want to run away."

Sandra almost looked a little relieved that I didn't say something worse. She asked me a few questions, like if I wanted to try and work to support myself, or if I was going to try to find another place to stay when I was gone. I had thought about working to at least make ends meet at first, but the idea didn't stay in my mind for very long. Eventually I realized that if I have to run away from everything because I'm a lost cause, then there would be no chance for me to survive out in the world.

When I told Lavontrae I got a completely different response. He begged me not to leave him because without me his life would be meaningless, he said I was the best person to ever walk into his life and he said he wouldn't be able to function without me but I didn't believe any of it.

He'd be way better off if he never even met you.

We had discussed it many times, and he always said the same things. I always lied and said I believed him because I loved him, I loved my friends, I loved my school, and I really didn't want to go. I would miss them too much. I lied to myself for my own selfish reasons, so I could stay for a little while longer. I couldn't picture life without my friends and my school, and I didn't want to. I thought I had given up, but my subconscious mind was still fighting and coming up with a plan to save me. And it almost worked.