One Thing On Top of the Other

Chapter Five - December

Waking up was always the worst part of the day. I always woke up tired, irritated, lonely, and hopeless. I almost never got enough sleep, I tried to avoid eating whenever it was possible, and I no longer cared about how I looked. My mom often got mad at me for not brushing my hair, but to me it didn't matter.

You look ugly either way.

I typically just threw on my leotard and then put a flannel shirt over it. Sometimes when I felt really crappy I'd just wear what I had worn the day before.

I started getting to school a lot later than usual. On the days that I wasn't late to school, I just sat on the floor and listened to my friends conversate with one another. I used to rely on Lavontrae to make me feel somewhat okay for a little bit but once he started cutting school at least once every week, I was left on my own.

When Lavontrae was at school, he would always notice that something was bothering me as soon as I sat down in my usual spot. He would always ask me what was wrong, and I had a different answer almost every morning.

The mornings at school became the only somewhat okay part of the entire day, because once I got to school Lavontrae would hold me and he'd let me lay on him. For that little moment of time, everything was okay.

Unfortunately, Lavontrae wasn't at school too often. I felt very alone a lot of the time, which only made me feel worse.

He's probably staying home to avoid you.

I didn't doubt that. He definitely wasn't in as much pain as he claimed to be in, because if he was he would still try to go through most of the day so he could see me. I knew him too well. We both knew that but he would try to lie to me anyway. He was a horrible liar, or so he said. 

Not having Lavontrae around was terrible at first, sometimes I would cry for hours if he wasn't at school. However, as time went on I became used to it. Just like I got used to feeling empty for the past few months. It's funny, once you get used to being in pain it doesn't hurt as much. It feels more like a normal part of your life. Lavontrae started becoming distant anyway, at least that's what I thought. Maybe it was just me.

Actually, it's both. How long did you think he was going to stay with a girl like you? 

What's wrong with me? Why couldn't I just be normal and happy like everyone else? Maybe the voice in my head was right. Maybe I really was broken beyond repair.. I mean, if not even my friends could make me happy then what could? Even though my logical side told me I might as well just call it quits before I hurt anyone else, I still had a lot of fight left. I wasn't going to go down that easily. I tried to think of reasons to stay, reasons why I couldn't leave. My mind immediately went to Lavontrae.

If you leave, you're taking him down with you. He said it himself, he cannot and will not live without you. I don't understand why, he could replace you in a heartbeat. Anyone could.

I was trying so hard not to listen, but when I really analyzed every little detail I couldn't help believing her. All of the other girls had every single one of my qualities and more. Each and every girl who walked by me was by far way prettier, more talented, and more mature. I felt so small walking alongside the other kids at PAPA, they all their own unique strengths and an inspirational story to tell. Me? I had nothing compared to them. I was barely learning the things that they had known since they were five or six. And no, that is not an exaggeration by any means.

So every day became about one thing and one thing only. Surviving. Nothing else mattered to me anymore, my goal was to just fight off these evil little voices in my head with the help of all my teachers, the guidance counselor, and my friends. I was trying to live in a mind where everyone is telling you to die. I was trying to maintain control of my emotions in a world where the people I loved the most cut me down and abandoned me. I was trying. But as time went on the battle became harder as the voices became stronger, my reasons to stay were being put to the test. The voices knew exactly where to hit me to make it hurt. I tried to refute their claims of me being selfish, ditzy, irritating, and useless, but I was overpowered by evidence. 

While I was concentrating on fixing the problems on the inside, my teachers and my new IEP team was trying to fix the problems on the outside. I was so grateful that I had people who were willing to work with me, which gave me a tiny ball of hope in a sea of hopelessness. But, I still needed more. I needed a life ring, or a boat. But my teachers could only give me so much before they ran out of options too.

Nonetheless, I still kept trying. I was trying.. and I was failing.