One Thing On Top of the Other

Chapter Four - November

It was around the end of October when I noticed that something was off between me and Lavontrae. I guess our relationship hit its peak in the middle of the month, and it was a steep downward hill from there. He stopped telling me things, and our conversations began to feel very shallow. Empty.

"You've seemed different lately. Is something bothering you?"

"How have I seemed different?"

"It's hard to explain.."

I couldn't put what I was feeling into words. Sometimes I feel things that are impossible to describe.

Remember what happened last time he began acting different? What if that's what happened? What if his little voices hurt him again?

I shuddered at the thought. The worst part of it is, I didn't even notice until months after.

And it was your fault. He's broken, and you can never fix him. Never!

I started crying, because I knew she was right. It was my fault. I didn't do enough, I didn't listen to him like I should have.

Selfish, selfish, selfish!

Maybe she's right. It must be my fault. I started crying.

"Hey.. don't cry.. what's wrong baby?"

"I'm sorry.."

"You have nothing to be sorry for baby."

"I'm sorry for being selfish all the time."

Lavontrae looked at me in shock, as if I was the one acting out of character.

"You're the opposite of selfish. You're sweet, you're humble, you're beautiful, and I'd be lost without you."

That only made me cry more, in both a good and a bad way. It made me happy because I knew he still loved me, but it made me sad because it reminded me that I didn't deserve him.

He's trying so hard to make this work, and you're holding him back. If you really love him, you'll let him go.

I couldn't get the voice out of my head. I cried myself to sleep every night knowing that our relationship was going to come to an end.

Meanwhile, my grades were going further down into the gutter. By the end of the month came around, I had pretty much given up. But little did I know that every single time Mr. Power came into one of my classes, he was analyzing me. The faculty had noticed my horrible grades, and they wanted to get to the bottom of it. Later on I was tested by a diagnostician, who determined that I had a math disability. I thought, "Gee, why didn't my teachers figure that out sooner?!"

It was too late in the first semester to try and put my new IEP (Individual Education Plan) into place, so my team decided to wait until next semester to change my schedule. I was very nervous about it, and I was kind of sad because I had to drop Ballet to be in an inclusive Geometry class. Unlike Jazz, ballet didn't drive me crazy. I felt like in Ballet I was on the same level as everyone else, and I didn't have to fight with myself to get Dr. Ginny to notice me. On the other hand, I was going to be placed in two Jazz classes which made me really excited. However, when I told Mr. Bennett that I would be moved to his 5th period class, he told me that wasn't a good idea. He said that group was on a more advanced level, and he didn't want me to beat myself up any more than I already was. It made sense, but it still hurt a little.

See, if you were normal like all of the other kids, you would be fine. But no, instead you get yourself worked up over nothing.

I fought tears. I realized that I didn't have the right to cry in the first place, because it was my fault that I was in this situation. But, I was very grateful that I would finally have a chance to truly understand the strangeness known as math.

Even though I would soon have accomodations and a specialized schedule, it was still becoming harder for me to hold on to hope. Maybe I wasn't meant to break from my vicious academic cycle. Maybe it was my fate to be trapped forever. Maybe I wasn't meant to succeed at all.