One Thing On Top of the Other

Incident Number One

I was getting tired. Tired of feeling worthless, tired of knowing that I'm weighing my friends down, tired of being alive.

People say that suicidal people don't really want to die, but that wasn't true in my case. I did want to die. I thought I deserved it. I looked back on every single cruel thing I ever said or did, and it made me believe that I needed to die because I was a terrible person. I thought I had to die for the world's benefit. I know this sounds really dark, but it didn't feel dark to me. It felt different, like I was outside of myself and outside of reality. I didn't feel like myself. In my mind, I was told that there was no need to be alive on the outside if the inside was already dead and long gone.

These thoughts continued to plague me, like a disease that no one had a cure for. It seemed like every day I was given more reasons to leave and less reasons to stay. I still didn't leave, but only because I didn't want to and I couldn't picture being out in the cold, lonely world.

You're so selfish. Even when you know that you're the problem you still won't do anything about yourself.

Don't you understand? No one else can be happy until you disappear. It's your job, your fate.

I knew that, and I knew that fate was not something that could be changed. I knew that eventually my end would come, but I just wanted to put it off so I could be with my friends for a little while longer. Despite everything, they still meant the world to me.

I no longer cared what people thought when I told them about my thoughts of running away, I just needed to get them out of my system before they starting picking and pulling at me. In fact, I cared so little that I decided to tell one of my teachers. I thought about telling my dance teacher, but I was worried that he would tell me that I was being "extra". So I decided to tell Mr. Ramirez instead. I asked him if I could talk to him after class, and he said I could.

When I told him that I wanted to run away, he told me that he was glad that I haven't ran away. He looked a little shocked, but mostly confused. I told him about most of my emotions, and he usually just listened and gave me a little sympathy. The sympathy was one of the only things I had holding me together.

The only other thing I had holding me together was the after-school program I went to Monday through Wednesday. It was my only other safe space besides school, and at school I had to try and filter what I said. I never felt like I had to do that after school, though. That's what made it special. There were only six people in the building during our meetings, including myself. It was just me, Allison, Alicia, my sister Elena, Mrs. Christina, and Levi. We all grew close over the years, and the after-school program became our own little community.

Allison and I had been friends for long time. We were in the same catechism class in third grade, and we had a lot of good times. We drove our teacher crazy, and the teacher just so happened to be Allison's father, who I know as Mr. Eric. Even after we both moved on from third grade, we remained friends. We've been friends ever since, and we eventually come to relate to one another. We had similar pet peeves and annoyances in our lives, and we talked about how amazing it would be to just erase all of those things from the face of the Earth. At such a low point in my life, these light-hearted conversations became vital.

Alicia and Elena were like peas in a pod. They also had similar pet peeves and they also had common interests, so they never ran out of things to discuss. Mrs. Christina was like our supervisor, she made sure that we weren't doing anything too crazy and that we were being somewhat productive. However, she would often have fun with us too as long as we weren't trying to burn the place down.

Levi was the man in charge of it all. Not only the after-school program, but the entire religious education department at our church. He had the perfect balance of creative thinking and an amazing work ethic, which resulted in many different events of all sorts to spread the faith in a way that captivated people's attention. In fact, he seemed to have every single aspect of his life balanced out perfectly. He had an amazing ability to relate, listen to, and understand people on a deeper level. He knew how to explain things in ways that really make you think, and he had a strong mind when it came down to problem-solving. No matter what the issue was, Levi never quit. Ever.