One Thing On Top of the Other

Broken Dreams

I used to dream about being a beautiful, successful, bright icon for others to admire. Something bigger and more important than I could ever imagine. Someone worthy of life and happiness. I stopped dreaming about good things. I would wake up every morning and slowly see my imagination growing dark and cold to a point where it began to scare me. I would often have darker thoughts cross my mind on a regular basis, thoughts that I knew weren't normal.

I just thought of something that would make the world a better place. Your death. Your disappearance. Your suicide.

Things will never get better for your friends until you remove the problem. Yourself.

Wouldn't it be nice to go to sleep one night.. and never wake up?

I kind of liked the pictures that the last comment put in my head. I imagined going to bed one night and never waking up. No one would ever notice I was gone, but everyone would see a significant change in their lives. It was a good change. I imagined everyone being happier. In the world without me Sandra never cried, Nykhia became who she wanted to be, Lavontrae was finally was with a girl that treated him with the love he deserved, and Isaiah became a permanent part of our group where he was listened to and taken seriously, and he was never worried about anyone ever being disappointed in him again.

I would smile as I thought about these things, but I would also cry. I smiled at the fact that my friends were happy, but I cried at the thought of knowing I had to leave them. I loved them. I wanted to go through the rest of high school with them and I wanted to be there for them through the good and the bad..

But you can't. You've become too broken. You can't handle the pressure. You're weak. And they don't want you around anymore. Your time is done.

I sobbed every single time she said this. I wanted to find something, anything to cling on to and hold for dear life, then just hope to float to shore. I wanted to rewind, I wanted to go back to a time when I was whole and bring that version of me back somehow. I didn't want it to be the end. But I knew that the little voices were right, I was way beyond saving.

It was too late for me, but it wasn't too late for me to save them by disappearing from their lives forever.