One Thing On Top of the Other

Chapter Three - October

As I was walking down the hall, I noticed that I felt.. Off. It felt like the ground was swaying under my feet with every step I took. I tried to concentrate on feet, to make sure that they were walking like they were supposed to. This went on all month long. Well.. Sort of.

The voice in my head suggested that I start skipping meals whenever I had the chance. The change in my figure was definitely noticeable, but not to a concerning degree. My stomach not only looked flat, it looked a tiny bit sucked it. It made me feel like I was less inferior than I was, maybe if I couldn't compete with the other girls' talents, I could compete with their looks.

Ha, you wish.You don't even bother to put makeup on anymore. And unlike you, they don't need makeup to look pretty.

The voice was right, I stopped putting makeup on in the morning like I used to. I lost the will to even try and look decent.

Lavontrae noticed me swaying back and fourth on my feet, and he had his arms ready by his side as if I would fall any second.

"Are you okay?"

"..yeah I'm fine."

"Okay, what's wrong?"

Lavontrae knew me all too well. If I said I was fine, he knew it meant the opposite. I told him that I hadn't been eating, and he was immediately alarmed.

"Baby, you need to eat. It's good for you."

"But what if -"

Before I could finish my sentence, everything went black for a second. If it weren't for Dominic, I would've hit the floor.

Dominic was a senior who had been in my dance class with me the period before. He knew I had been out of it the entire time we were dancing, so he offered to carry my backpack for me. Thankfully, he caught me just in time.

However, the bad news was that when I had fainted I knocked over a plant on the teacher's desk. I already knew that Mr. Ramirez was not going to be happy.

"What happened to Bob? Why is he on the floor?

Dominic proceeded to explain what happened, while Lavontrae and I were trying to figure out why he named the plant Bob. Mr. Ramirez wasn't too upset given the circumstances, and he reassured me that Bob would be fine. After class, he asked me why I'd been having the fainting spells. I told him I hadn't been eating for the past three days, and he looked absolutely terrified. He put his face in his hands for a moment, then asked:

"Why haven't you been eating properly..?"

I told him about dance class, and about how it stressed me out.

"I'm almost tempted to tell Mr. Bennett that he shouldn't allow you to dance until you start eating regularly."

"Please don't do that.. he'll be mad at me."

"I don't think he would be mad. I think he would very concerned though. With no food for three days, you're lucky that all you did was faint."

I thought about that for a minute, while Mr. Ramirez searched for something in his dresser. After a moment, he handed me a granola bar.

"Here, eat this. It'll make you feel better. Please promise me you'll eat it."

"I promise. Can I have a pass for eighth period?"

Mr. Ramirez wrote the pass for me, and I went on my way. I had many other fainting spells after that one, but not all of them were real. I feel really bad saying this, but I actually faked a lot of them for attention.

I felt very lonely a lot, no matter where I was. I often wondered if people even knew I existed, and if anyone cared about me at all, and I hated that feeling. Then one day it occurred that people only seemed to care about me if something was wrong, so I began exaggerating the extent of my dizzy spells so my friends would care for me. Logically I knew it was wrong but I justified it by saying that I wouldn't have to do it if people wouldn't ignore me all the time.

You're a fake and a liar, and no one loves you. Maybe you should just disappear.