Thursdays very quickly became the worst day of the week. Why? Because all of Mr. Bennett's jazz dancers know Thursday as conditioning day.
Conditioning day was different from every other day, it's where the form of dance intersects with strength and perseverance. I had a fairly decent amount of both of those traits, so that's not where the issue lied. My problem was the fear of going too far, and the fear of not going far enough. It wasn't a major issue.. Until it was time to do a split.
You're not working hard enough! You're worthless, and you will always be worthless!
You're not being careful! Do you really want to repeat the mistake you made last year?!
You never try!
You never learn!
My sobbing caught the attention of the girl next to me, who told me to stop. I told her it didn't hurt, but she didn't look convinced. Aubrey was there the very first time I tore my hamstring, and she never wanted to witness that again.
"Mr. Bennett, Jazmyn is trying to force her split again!"
Mr. Bennett came over to me with a concerned but stern look on his face.
"Jazmyn, stop. Go into pigeon before you hurt yourself."
I will never forget what happened after that. It felt like the little voice in my head completely took over, almost like I was possessed for a moment.
"I don't care if I break every bone in my body! I am going to hold this split!"
Everyone looked at me in shock. That incident happened on the second conditioning day. It only got worse from there. It eventually got so bad that just the thought of conditioning made me sick to my stomach.
To make matters worse, I had developed the habit of comparing myself to everyone else over the years. This affected every aspect of my life, in a very negative way. Not only did the voice mock my every mistake, but it began to mock my appearance too. I looked at Aubrey and her tiny little figure, and then I would look back at myself.
You really need to lay off the food, you'll never be able to dance with all of that fat on you!
I looked back at Aubrey. You could tell her stomach was completely flat. Mine wasn't 100% flat, but I was not fat by any means. I tried to tell myself that, but I never fully believed it.
YOU ARE READING
One Thing On Top of the Other
Non-FictionJazmyn has struggled for most of her life. She struggled in school, at home, and with friends. She'll manage to get it together for a little while, but then she falls back into the same tragic circle she's been in for years. Will she finally have a...
