The online journal of a messy human

i think this is the tenth chapter???

Hey again! Yeah, I have a major migraine right now, but does that matter, no. Well yes, but I'm too stubborn to take the damn meds to help ease the migraine away.

Anyway, this is just a random thing I thought maybe people reading this could relate to?

Often time I try and tell myself I'm cis and straight, purely because my mom/depression has created some internalized homo and transphobia against only myself. Note to my child-of-depression internalized homo/transphobia, that ain't how it works. Every time I feel particularly...nauseous? About my not being "normal", I get weird dreams when I sleep, and I always remember them the next morning shockingly vividly. The most recent one, Idk who the hell I was, but I was female and ended up with another girl. Basically, my brain went "yeah hell no, y'all can't even ACT straight. Not happening".

What keeps (annoyingly) reminding me that I am not cis is the varying dysphoria each day, which makes sense because, as stated many times in this book, I am genderfluid/nonbinary. Some days I can't look at myself without feeling immediately nauseous and like I shouldn't be alive, so I don't eat and I fight the urge to self harm. (It's not good, I know..) Other days I'm simply alive, I just move through my day like normal, like I don't have faint marks on my wrist and breasts I can't seem to hide despite my best efforts. The female days are the easiest, I would say...I can wear makeup, wear tshirts and jeans, the one not sports bra I have, and just live my life with no thought of anything else.

For the longest time I thought this dysphoria was just depression, which it partially is, but its not ONLY depression. Its so, so much more. It just...took me a while to figure it out.

Anway, with that said, how have y'all been? Holding up well with this stupid virus keeping us from seeing people? For me, besides the usual clusterfuck that is my gender, I've been good. Schoolwork is starting to be assigned again, and its all online now. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing.

Of course once I finally figure out my gender identity, school gets cancelled and I can't tell anyone. Well, I could tell people over text, but honestly that's kinda...been there, done that? Besides when I tell my bestie, who always checks her texts from me. Last time I tried to tell Natalie, she didn't see the text, and it didn't go well.

Anwayyys, night guys! :)
-Em