The online journal of a messy human

68

Really random things have been making me dysphoric lately, and its kind of unsettling because these things have never bugged me before. Like, for example, my name. I'm sort of 'meh' with people calling me by my birth name (unsurprisingly, but to be fair I haven't officially come out to anyone but my two closets friends irl), and today I was thinking about how when I go back to school I need to figure out how I'm going to go about having people call me El, Eli, or E.G., or if I'm even going to do that at all. Then, out of no where, I got dysphoric because I thought about writing my birth name. Which was so random and really weird for me, because that's never happened before. Either way, I'm either going to try and have my teachers call me El, or just write my name as 'E. Myers' like I did for part of last year in photography because I kept forgetting to write El and not Emily. The other thing that has made me randomly dysphoric is the color of my loofa or poofy or whatever the hell that puff ball thing is called. Its pink, but usually colors don't affect me in any way? I ended up just grabbing a bar of soap instead because I couldn't bare to even grab the stupid bright pink thing. Oh, and apparently leggings make me dysphoric now? I've been getting rid of all of my leggings, except for some I use under dresses I'm forced to wear or as part of my pajamas. Ugh, genderfluidity is chaotic, and aside from that one week last year where everything made me dysphoric, I haven't felt this randomly dysphoric in a while. Which is so weird, because I've been feeling kinda feminine lately. But, based on what I shall now call the loofa incident, maybe I'm feeling more enby than anything.

Ugh, its late. I should get to sleep. Byee
- E.G. ✌