The online journal of a messy human

52- on the topic of dysphoria

Dysphoria. We all hate it, right? It sucks.

According to google, dysphoria is "a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life" which for trans people everywhere can mean a lot of things.

Also, just because you are trans, does NOT mean you need to experience dysphoria. Like everything, dysphoria is a spectrum of sorts. It's different for everyone.

For me, its hard to tell what makes me dysphoric and when, aside from that one week when everything fell to shit and I couldn't bare to look myself in the mirror(at that time, I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know I was genderfluid or why I felt okay with he/him pronouns primarily). Dysphoria, or what I think is my dysphoria, has been caused by many things in the past. Like hair length(less so, now), wearing makeup(also less so, now that I don't wear makeup unless I know for sure that I'm female presenting that day), shoe size, my chest, etc. I am afab, so that week when I felt like nothing but a boy was absolute hell. All respect to closeted mtf or ftm people, because I had never felt as shitty as I did that week. I couldn't survive that 24/7.

As a person with depression, anxiety, and possibly an attention disorder(not diagnosed, but my dad had it and my mom thinks I might), my dysphoria adds to everything and I often can't tell whether or not I'm dysphoric, unless it takes over entirely and I feel like puking when I look at myself.

I have learned how to ease it up, at least a bit, from time to time. The chest stuff is sometimes hard to ignore, but generally a hoodie and sports bra hide my chest a bit from me. So unless I'm extremely dysphoric, that works for me. I used to use two sports bras, but I stopped that ages ago. Shoe size is stupid, but I have somewhat small feet in my opinion, so I often buy shoes a size or two larger, depending on the type of shoe, passing it off to my mom as "growing room". Hair length I can't do much about, sadly. More recently, I've been growing my hair out, and might continue to for a while, unless something makes me need to chop it past my chin again in august. The length I have now(just past my shoulders) seems to be working well for now. Besides, my mom refuses to let me get a "boys/grandmas" haircut. And for the most part, I just don't wear makeup commonly aside from the occasional flick of eyeliner and chapstick each day.

Anyways, I'm curious to hear what other's experiences are with dysphoria(if you have it), and how you deal with it if you aren't able to transition to where you're most comfortable. Obviously, don't talk about it if this bugs you, or makes you dysphoric to talk about, but if you want to, feel free to share your experiences.

That'd be all for today...I started writing this not only because its important but also to procrastinate on my english final haha

Seriously though its due at 3(its 12 now) so I need to start writing.

Cya ;3
-E ✌