The online journal of a messy human

73

Hey again. I feel like its been so long since I've updated this lmao, but its only been a couple weeks. So the school year finally started(yay sophomore year), I can start learning to drive within the next year or so, and yeah the writing hiatus is still going on for the most part. And on the topic of the stories I have started on here, I would like to reiterate that commenting things like "update now!!!!!!!!😡" really doesn't help in any way, shape, or form. And I would be writing if I could, but I write when I have a clear idea, and I haven't had any for those stories. So like, sorry not sorry. Anyways~

**trigger warning btw**

On the topic of self harm, I'm doing good lately. I think at first, like the first time I cut, for example, it was out of depression and the thought that everyone would be happier if I was dead. Not necessarily with the intent to eventually kill myself(because I'm a wuss), but just because I needed something to do other than just cry, or just not cry. There's really only been a couple times where I cut with the mindset that everyone would be happier if I was dead. I've gotten better at not cutting when I feel like that, though, even if the urge is there.

Aside from those few times though, I've noticed something. In a way, I can easily compare cutting to being addicted to a drug, or at least how I imagine it would be. Once I've cut once, I try and stop, purely because I don't want the marks to stay for more than a couple days(and I know they will, if I actually try to break the skin and cause blood). Specifically last time I cut, it was harder for me to not cut again within the next week or so, not because I felt I needed to, but because I wanted to feel the sensation again. Which, as far as I know, is why it can be so hard to quit smoking, doing drugs, drinking, etc. Its the feeling, in a way.

Generally, I dislike pain, like most people do. But its the pain from cutting, and the relief when I stop trying to cut, that my brain is latched onto. I don't usually cut because I feel I need to, but because I want to feel how it felt again. Is that weird? Anyway, as much as the feeling of cutting is lingering in my mind, and I want to again, I'm not because I want to be able to wear normal outfits that don't have long sleeves.

*end trigger warning**

Anyways, that's all I guess. I'm procrastinating from doing my English vocabulary work rn, which I should really stop doing.

Oh oh oh oh oh I have two vacations planned in the next few months(one in october, one in december), and my mom's best friend who's kinda like an aunt to me even though I have actual aunts is visiting like a week before the vacation in october, but I think aside from that I just have school.

That's all?
That's all.

Yeah.

Okie dokie, bye ✌