The online journal of a messy human

67

July 12th, 2020 3:18 pm

Currently sobbing against my pillow, alone in my room like I have been for the last 20 minutes. There's so many voices in my head screaming at me, most of them bad. "You're nothing special" "You're a lousy excuse for a child and friend" "You can't do anything right" "no one would care if you killed yourself, Theyd be relieved" some deep dark horrible part of my whole being can't seem to say those voices are wrong. The last thing I did on the day my das died was get mad at him. When we came back, he was gone. And i couldn't even manage to dial 911. I was just in the way. On numerous occasions Ive made my mom feel useless. Unloved. Which is only fair because I can't manage to tell her otherwise. I'm messy, lazy, obnoxious, overly sensitive, suicidal, purposely dont eat sometimes, can't manage to keep in contact with anyone, greedy, stubborn, and so many other things. I wish I had never been born. Never become a part of so many people's lives. Somehow writing this managed to make me stop sobbing. When exactly do I suddenly become able to control my emotions? Because if its once I'm 18, this will be a long three years. Maybe it'll never come. Then this'll be a long life, if I can't ever have enough courage to actually act on what I feel. I felt like killing myself when I first started writing this, all my thoughts screaming through my head. Its not the first time, either. When I fought with mom on mothers day a while back, I felt like that too. But this time it was worse. So so much worse. I really should take my antidepressants, but I can't bare to trust myself with pills. And its not like I can fully say no one would care if I killed myself, because Ivy would. But when I think that, the voices in my head scream back that she isn't here anymore. She lives too far away. She'll move on with her life eventually and realize that its better for her to not have me around. The traumatized kid who can't control her emotions if it would save her life.

July 12th, 2020 9:42 pm

Wow so apparently being on my period makes me HELLA emotional. Regardless, Its good that I actually wrote what I was feeling earlier instead of fighting it down. I was crying for like an hour, then finally calmed down enough to resurface from my room to claim some chocolate from the kitchen cabinet. So yeah, periods. Obviously I'm not feeling great right now, and tbh I'm running low on pads so I need to buy some more tomorrow, but at least I'm not bawling and fighting the urge to self harm after months of somehow not self harming. Anyway, the slight dysphoria has kicked in. I finally felt feminine enough to buy a couple actually decent bras on saturday, and I was fine for a while(reasoning with myself that if I do happen to stumble upon another attractive queer in the wild I'll actually look like I have tits and not like a weird pre-op trans boy who isn't out to anyone and can't bother cutting his hair) until the dreaded red flood started a couple hours ago. All in all I'm somewhat dysphoric right now because I haven't been this feminine in a while, even without makeup on, and I'm not quite feeling high fem right now.

As you can see, today has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me.

Anyway, I need to sleep. This has been an emotional update :3

Oh! And no, I didn't self harm despite feeling more than shitty enough to do it. Thanks, past me, for realizing I would be a suicidal mess once my friend/crush/human antidepressant moved away, and hiding anything I have used before to self harm.

I'm also just now realizing I may have offended any pre-op trans masc people who can't cut their hair and arent out to anyone. Sorry.

I just want to attract females.

-El ✌