The online journal of a messy human

11

Jeez, I'm exhausted. Just in general. I don't know if its dysphoria, depression, or both, but I just feel particularly --excuse my french-- shitty today.

I dunno, I just have a lot running through my head. I'm majorly depressed for whatever reason, I feel really sick because of the dreaded red flow, I've got major cramps, and my friends are all busy enough that they don't see my texts. I say all my friends, but I really only keep in contact with two of them.

I miss when things were normal. I miss not having depression and possible anxiety. I miss not caring what others think of me. I miss when I was normal, when I was straight and cis and got good grades and had more friends and when I didn't think of myself as a weed growing on the family tree. I miss fitting in, knowing who I was, going to school and keeping myself distracted. I miss being 12, when things were simple. I had more friends, more selfesteem, closer relationships with family, and my dad was alive. Age 12 was when I was happiest, and when I was saddest, and when I was comfortable. I miss being able to see my friends across the street whenever I wanted. I miss being able to stay up all night and listen to the crickets, watching the stars that I could see. Everything changed when he died. And the last thing I ever did was fight with him, which will forever make me feel guilty. I hate that I'm so open about this shit to random people on the internet, but I can't seem to tell my best friend, maybe because she'll just worry about me.

As much as I push these feelings away, they're still there, lurking, waiting for me to be at my lowest moment. For when I feel like I mean nothing. For when I constantly feel like crying myself to sleep. I know I should take my antidepressants, I know it will help me, but at the same time I don't trust myself. I know how easily I could take one too many pills and end it all before anyone would know, I know how easily I could take a blade to a place where it would cause more damage, I can think of so, so many ways I could end it all. So that's exactly why I hide my pills from myself, force myself to keep away from knives sharper than a butter knife, and why I don't tell anyone. No one needs to worry about me, I can handle myself. I know its bad that I self harm and have these kind of thoughts, but I just can't get rid of them.

My mom asks why I have such low selfesteem a lot. I say simply that I don't know. I'm not a completely awful person, I'm pretty, I'm smart...but any time I allow myself to know that, I feel sick. Sick for thinking that. Sick that I eat so much without stopping to think that some people, many people, across the world can't do that. Maybe its because, no matter how hard I try, I'm rude and lazy and not cisgender and not straight and can't be the girl my family wants me to be.

I'm sorry for being so depressing..but, thanks anyone who read to the end, I guess. I just needed to rant away my depression.

- E