Dear Diary, // L.S

31.Dear Fiona,

Fiona's picture^
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Dear Diary,
I've gained weight. I'm almost the same way I was before all of this and it makes me sick. It doesn't matter how much I throw up. I'm still fat.

I can see worry and sadness and anger in dad's face. I think it's because he doesn't know what to do. Neither do I honestly.

I wish they would just let me die.

Mom insists that I see a therapist. It's gotten to a point that I don't even answer her calls.

Funnily enough between my parents and Fiona, I choose Fiona. She's more logical and tries to understand me instead of pushing me to do stuff.

I've gotten to know her over the past months. She's 32 and a college graduate. How did she find my 40 year old mechanic dad is my question actually. She's also beautiful. Brown hair and beautiful blue eyes.

She once told me the only thing looks can help you with are attraction but liking and loving someone can't happen based on looks. You find everything that you like beautiful. They say that when you love someone they're flawless in your eyes and that's a lie. The secret of falling in love is that you can see their flaws and you still love them. You can see their crooked teeth but want to see them smile all the time. You can notice their chapped lips but want to kiss them anyways. She said that's why I shouldn't pressure myself to look a certain way cause if someone truly loves me they're not going to care about a few extra pounds or anything that I think is bad.

I believe all of that. But at the back of my mind is a voice saying that I should look "perfect". What hurts is that I can't seem to succeed. I can't change anything that I want to. It's like there's a knife in my chest and everytime I realize that I'm not even close to any of my goals it just twists and make me feel so much pain.

Diary I'm tired. I know I've said it a hundred times but that's just how I feel.

By the way Harry said we should go out but I'm not in the mood to leave the house on summer's second month. And I'm still mad because he didn't buy me razors. I know its been weeks but I just am.

I guess I'm done with words today.