Dark Hidden Secrets - Erwin Smith x Reader

Chapter 18

(Erwin's POV)

I had no idea how much (Y/N) had grown. She was no longer that innocent little girl that I once knew. I thought that nothing was going to change the moment I saw her again.

But I was wrong.

My feelings for her have changed since then. I used to look at her like she were a sister to me, but that thought never crossed my mind lately.

When I had her under me.

The way she squirmed.

The way she moaned.

The way she held onto me.

Was this what I had longed for all these years?

Why is that?

Had I always liked her from the start?

If so then why did it take me so long to realize it?

When we were in the same room together.

When she was within arm's reach.

When her lips touched mine.

Was this love?

Is this how it feels to be with someone that you have missed all these years?

I always thought that I couldn't possess such feeling after losing my father. 

I thought I couldn't love anymore.

I thought I couldn't trust anyone anymore.

I thought that once I became a soldier I could make my father's dream come true without any distractions.

But I was wrong.

It was almost like the moment I saw (Y/N) again, I had completely forgotten why I had joined in the first place. If she stayed any longer then sure enough I would probably quit the military to give her the life she deserved.

But I can't do that.

I swore that I would help prove my father's theory right no matter what. I don't want to sound selfish, but my father's murder is the reason why I joined the Scout Legion in the first place. It took many years and hard work to get this position and I can't let that go to waste. I didn't want to abandon (Y/n) like I did all those years ago, but its the only way I can achieve my goal.

Telling her that all the members of the infirmary team will join the next expedition was hard. I was worried that she would see through my lie, but she believed me nonetheless. 

Perhaps she is just as worried as I am?

I truly believed that (Y/n) would make a great soldier, but its a risk I am not willing to make.

I have to protect her.

She's all I have left.

She's all I'll ever have.

It was nice to finally have her in my arms like I had dreamt of, but even dreams come to an end.

Though this is one dream I will never forget.

I look down as I watch her sleep.

She looked so peaceful.

So relaxed.

If only I can share that same feeling.

This moment we shared together did help alleviate the stress off my shoulders, but I'm sure it would all come back to me the moment she walks through those gates. When she wakes up I will have to watch her pack up all of her things from her room. I have to make sure no one sees her leaving, ESPECIALLY Hanji. So this is all going to have to happen before anyone else wakes up. (Y/n) was part of the infirmary team so she is probably used to waking up before anyone else.

Good thing.

I would hate to force her to wake up early just because I wanted her to leave as soon as possible, but the sooner she leaves the better. She's better off living inside the walls anyways. If she stays here I can't guarantee her safety, especially since I had her working alongside me for quite some time. 

I wouldn't doubt if there were already rumors about us floating around. But I would like to get the thought of that out of my head as soon as possible. I need to focus on my objective, I swore no matter how long it takes, I HAVE to prove that my father's theory was true, even if it means I have to push friendship aside.

But I don't know what over came me these past few nights. All it took was for (Y/n) to read my private journal to get my emotions mixed up. I was supposed to be angry with her, but why wasn't I? Maybe I was hoping that she would read it and believe in me? But why did I keep it hidden if I didn't trust her? Either way, I don't want her to know more than she already does. It could put her life in danger, or worse, she could turn against me like they did to my father.

I tried not to think about anything else, I have already done enough overthinking already. All I can think about right now is watching (Y/n) leave headquarters. And once she does, I will probably never see her again.

I looked out the window and saw that the sun will be peaking over the horizon in a few short hours. Normally I would try to get at least a few hours of sleep, but tonight I just couldn't sleep, not if I knew that this will be the last night I will ever see (Y/n) again.

"E-Erwin..?"

I looked down and saw that (Y/n) had woken up.

Me- "Good morning (Y/n)..."

(Y/N)- "What time is it?"

Me- "6 am.."

(Y/N)- "Should we go back to sleep?"

Me- "I'm sorry (Y/N), as much as I want you to stay, I would like for you to leave before any other members notice."

(Y/N)- "Can't I leave later in the night?"

Me- "That would be preferred, but I'm afraid I can't allow that.."

(Y/n)- "Why not? Are you so eager to see me leave?"

Me- "You would think that yes, but I'm sure you wouldn't want Hanji to find out that you are leaving."

(Y/N) groaned then threw the blanket over her to sit on the edge of the bed.

(Y/N)- "Fine...you got a point."

(Y/N) was about to stand up when she suddenly fell to the floor.

(Y/N)- "Owww..."

Me- "(Y/N)! Are you alright?"

(Y/N)- "Y-Yeah....Its just....I didn't think I would be this sore..."