Letters of Unconciousness

11.00am

~ Nate ~

I am reluctant to open the letter. Before the clock struck eleven I was dying for it to do so. But now that it has I wish it had not. The letter now sits in my hands burning. The big black sharpie written across the envelope in her neat writing staring at me.
"1st Hour"

I found myself reaching for the sticking note placed in the right hand side top corner. It read,
'Nate,
Each of these letters are marked with a time. If you want too you can read them at the time that they happen or after. However not before. Start your timer at ten am.
Gabriella.'

Her hand writing is so near as usual. I ran my fingers over the words "1st Hour" before turning the envelope in my fingers. In my mind the seal is seriously hard to rip open but my fingers manage it with ease. I flick up the tab and pull out a perfectly folded piece of paper.

My eyes examine the paper before the thought of unfolding it crosses my mind. It's your normal a4 paper, white. White as can be with black ink pushing through the other side. I giggle to myself as I remember how much she hated people who wrote in black. She always preferred blue or any other colour for that matter.

One of the edges of the page is folded either in annoyance or in an unsure manner as she had a habit of doing that. Curled slightly as well the corner stood out.

The paper printed with words from the other side. It is written single sides but there is multiple pages. Famous for her long essays in Christmas cards I can only imagine what could be written in all of these letters. Luckily or not this first envelope had seemed like one of the thickest.

Unfolding the first crease in the paper my hands were shaking. If I could I would slap myself. Why was I so nervous? It was just a letter, one of many. Gabriella had never given me reason to fear her, why was I so scared.

My breathing was fast and my heart was pounding as I unfolded the second crease and took in more of her neat handwriting filling the page from left to right and from the top of the page to the bottom. I lifted the first page and saw the second was the same, then the third and the fourth no diffence. By the fifth page the handwriting was messier but not too much.

The final page had about four lines. Then a short line and I'm guessing her name.

My eyes were blurry and I could barely make it out even if I wanted too. Sitting on the couch in my family's living room quickly became a stupid decision. I race myself into my bedroom with all the letters in my hands. I close the door behind me not waiting for the ear-full my mother would be yelling from the kitchen down the stairs.

Throwing the later envelopes on my desk I catch a glimpse of a photo I'd pinned up. Immediately I felt the letter in between my fingers falling. My hands trembling and my mind confused I turn myself to stare at the photo. A smile tugs on the corner of my mouth. It's me and her.

It was taken six months ago when she was having a really bad time. Her body was barely responding and it just disagreed with any medication they put her on. But she, herself was as strong as nails and soldiered on. I remember it as clear as water she wanted to go to the zoo. She didn't care which zoo. She didn't care how long for. She didn't care who with she just wanted to be taken to the zoo and see at the very least two animals.

It was so funny because the doctors just thought it was the medication talking but she was deadly serious she just wanted to go to the zoo. They told her everything that she wanted to hear and some she didn't but they let her go.

I was sitting in my chair at my desk at home when she called me. She was beside herself she was so excited to be going to the zoo. When she called me she tried to act calm and collected but I could hear the joy in her voice,
"Nate I have been given permission to go to the zoo tomorrow and can you please please please come with me please." She was a sixteen year old who suddenly turned into a six year old with a decent vocabulary. She was also so clearly on a lot of medication or at the very least on a sugar high. She spoke with such a positive attitude and a giggle that a smile just spread across my face listening to her happiness and joy.

"Of course I will come. Which zoo? What time? Should I bring a camera?"
"Should I bring a camera, did you really just ask that? There is going to be animals just waiting to be photographed. And as for the details Mum will text them to you."
"You're on some good medication aren't you?"
"Feels like it." She said it as if it were a matter of fact and I just loved how willingly she admitted things to me.

My phone buzzed in my pocket minutes after I hung up with Gabby and it was her Mum.
"Melbourne Zoo 10-2. I will pick you up on my way through."
That's exactly what happened. She picked me up before we went to pick up Gabby who had come down a level or two from her state of high yesterday.

She was an excited child going to the zoo however mature about it. But it was just her really. Some of the littlest things could excite her and I loved it. I could never get tired or bored of being with her. It was just when I wasn't with her or around her there was something missing.

The day at the zoo involved lots of photos and heaps of running to enclosures and purposely losing her parental guidance. We ran away leaving the camera with them to watch the seals swim and twirl. Without a care in the world we watched them whilst talking. They were dancing in the water according to Gabby, continuously putting on a show for anyone who would dare to look away from their phones for a moment to notice them. It was a sad reality, whoever we passed at the zoo held a phone rather than a child's hand or a stand-alone camera. I noticed so much of this because of how often I found myself watching her. That day she had her phone in her bag but even when it called she wouldn't bring it out. When I was with her I felt like I had her attention or at least her ears at all times. The koalas seemed to grab her attention easily.

Sitting watching the seals we didn't once discuss the hospital or directly her condition. I think that's why she likes my company. When we stood to move on as second instinct I reached to catch her as her knee failed beneath her. Thanking me she stood straight and laughed. With my hands on her hips and hers resting on my arms I was comfortable. Close enough to kiss her cheek or forehead yet not quite close enough to bear hug which she would prefer.

I kissed her forehead as she breathed out completely at ease. Although there was a click of a camera lens as I pulled my lips from her skin and the moment dissipated. Her parents watching on. We immediately took to the ramps and raced out toward any animal we could find. All I remember of the rest of the afternoon was of my stitches. We had barely stopped laughing since leaving the seals. My stitches were also bigger because we decided to run absolutely everywhere after that.

We laughed at the remarks we thought her parents would make and what the photo would most likely look like because there isn't a single good photo of us. We are unable to be photogenic whilst together. Apart we are fine. We also found humour in the animals, especially the lemurs that I shamefully tried to imitate and failed. It's still to this very day Gabby's favourite video of me. Which everyone she knows must have seen by now.

We truly were the absolute best of friends. However it could be otherwise if she wished it or if she allowed it. No matter what I told myself or what she said I couldn't help but fall in love with her. She was too cute, too innocent, too real and too smart for me not to fall for her. Strictly friends she'd tried to convince me so many times but I simply laughed off the title.

I laugh to myself as the memories and the laughter of that one day fill me to capacity. Although finer details have been lost I cannot complain. The one photo that is pinned to my desk is that one taken in front of the dancing seals. The one of me kissing her forehead as she smiles to herself. That day we managed our only good photo together. Personally and secretly I am so glad it is that one. Taken six months ago.

So much has changed since then.

She's lost at least twenty more kilos and her general happiness has lowered. Life has become about surviving no matter how much I try to help her think otherwise. Since that time she's been under the knife three times before today. Since then we have shared so many more great memories some she scolded me for but you've got to take the opportune moment when it comes.

As I pull my eyes away from the photo with a big smile across my face and an open mind I kneel down to pick up the letter I had let fall from my fingertips. Walking to my bed past yet another photo of Gabriella and I with our friendship group long before the illness struck. I sit myself down, spread my legs out and get comfortable. Lifting the letter to my eye level my breathing is heavy once more but my hands are no longer shaking, they are still. Breathing in and out I relax my shoulders and move my neck from side to side. Taking a moment to look at my clock I have wasted nearly forty-five minutes. With one last breath in I begin reading.