Letters of Unconciousness

10/1 to 11/1

~ Gabriella ~

So today is the 10th of the First of January one year on. I am a survivor of the seriously unnamable disease. However as I sit here Nate is waiting for the a.o.k. to read out the letters to me. Yes I'm still using a diary. I don't go to school and I'm still pretty skinny which is probably partly my fault because moving is great. I missed out on doing it for ages so now is my time to make up for it.

My seriously unnameable disease which I have conquered is...
Dyspepsiachloroneoningertatusitis
Pronounced = the unnameable disease that takes too much effort to even spell.

Nate has now dropped the medical form he was reading from and is now twirling the 10/1 to 11/1 letter in his fingertips. I roughly know what's written in it however I don't really remember. I've post-poned him reading it for a year but no matter how much I try to persuade him otherwise he is determined to read it. I finally agreed to let Nate read the last letter yesterday promising that he would read it tomorrow and when I'm ready.

The thought of the surgery and all the time I spent in the hospital following was excruciating. The surgery ended up doing very very little to help me. It returned me to my previous position which was liquids. As it turns out we have learned that this sickness is like an isotope. It has a half life and therefore after the life of the bug thing it just dies. Before me no one had survived very far past the half life. I was considered a miracle.

The bug has an 11 month half life. Meaning that from the day it was alive until the day it died there was 22 months roughly. However I am still in hospital now due to the affects. The affects of operations. The affects of the lack of food. The affects of the lowered life I had. I don't remember at what mark I was considered to be suffering anorexia as a result of the bug but it came about. Recently I have only being going in so they can monitor my weight gain progress. It's all been good news.

It's now at the 28th month point. 12 months after the 16 month point. I have managed to gain the weight I have needed slowly. I have brought my metabolism back to a good level. I have survived the 22 months. I am a survivor. Woo!

However the letter that I hadn't wanted anyone to ever read has also survived these past twelve months too. Luckily for everyone it wasn't one they HAD to read. But Nate still to this day wishes to read it.

He's trying to read over my shoulder right now, I've decided to shove him off the bed.

It's been a hard twleve months and Nate has been with me the whole time. He insisted on us going on our first date to KFC when I could freely eat solids. KFC was worth the wait but I can taste how bad for me it is now. However we did go on a sort of date to KFC before that when I could have thick solids because Krushers count don't they?

Our first date happened around the 20th month mark, we have been going out for 9 months. Nate wishes that it was 12 months but I've got enough things to remember about that week in January. I know I think I said he could believe we'd being going out for that long but not me.

He has brought himself back onto a bed lying across the bed behind where I am sitting. He's rubbing my back. Sending shivers up and down my spine. I still can't believe he's mine. And he just read that. Grr. He is sitting patiently waiting for the time when I let him read the letter. His patience is wearing very thin, so here goes.

He opens the letter with urgency and I've told him that it will be hard to enjoy the contents but nothing is holding him back.

"My Nate,
I don't know how much longer I have or if I am awake. I pray to god I am and that your lying next to me."

He pulls me down to lie next to him our feet hanging off the bed. He's smiling at me now mid sentence. He's reading aloud which means I know where he is up to thankfully.

"I love your warmth and your love. I'm not going to make this hard for you to read or at least not purposely.
You mean the world and are the world to me. I can't imagine a life without you so I don't know how you will deal with a life without me. I trust you will be strong and face all the challenges with a brave smile and a cheeky wink."

He just winked at me and I'm melting. I love him so much.

"Between the 10/1 and 11/1 if everything has taken a turn for the worst after they take me off life support I may pass. It is unlikely that I will last to the 12/1 and I'm glad because that's a little too much torture for you and everyone else."
"I am afraid of leaving the world but I am curious of the world I am entering. Will it be all white clouds and golden sunshine or will it be something terrible. Am I going to hell??"

He's not reading anymore,
"Did you seriously think that you had the possibility to go to hell? Seriously?"
"You never know."
He's shaking his head at me. Clearly not impressed.

"Either way I won't be with you and I'm sorry. If it could be another way I would gladly make it so but it is not within my power. It is in the hands of the man himself." There was just a blob of black ink where I scribbled over heaps of words and He's looking at me now expecting me to tell him what lies beneath the mass dark cloud five lines big.

"So explanation time. Your letters have moved from their plastic bag into a beautiful purple ribbon. You may remember it or you may not. The ribbon I am using to tie all your letters together is the ribbon you tied the necklace box in. So here you go my love. Keep it safe."

"Keep yourself safe!
Dream big!
Love completely!
Soar high!"

He said throwing his hands in the air and rolling onto his back and sitting up and eventually standing and jumping off the bed to show me he is soaring high. Then he calms down a little and bends over in front of me and locks his eyes with mine.

"I will with you by my side." He kissed my cheek what a sweetie.

"Love always and forever,
Gabriella
Xxxxxxxx
Ps. Your about five minutes away from the hospital now or at least that's what you promised me."

He just tackled me into a massive bear hug on my bed.
"Did I seriously have to wait a year for it?"
"That was my attempt at a goodbye."
"Well it wasn't a very good one."
"At least now I have practise for the real one."
"True."

When you remember what's written under the squid ink let me know."
"Maybe it was my attempt at drawing a Care Bear on a Unicorn."
"Oh Please."
"Okay in seriousness"
"Yes."
"It says." I pause and he tugs on my shirt.
"Your a little shit and I'm probably not going to miss you because your the reason I'm leaving. Bye." I say completely emotionless.

"Ouch!" He lets go of me and stands up and goes to walk out of my room but I do the next rational thing that comes to mind. I run off my bed and jump on his back holding him tight.

"It said, your the reason I fought so hard. Truly and honestly I just want to be with you."

"How was it originally signed?" He prompted with a little look out of the corner of his eye.

"Love Forever and Always, To the Moon and Back, to the creation of the world and beyond, from the water to the sky and from heartbeat to heartbeat, Your Gabriella."

"Thank you for fighting to hard. Love from your boy Nate.
Ps. It's funny how I don't miss the you under morphine or whatever that drug was. Because you say the craziest things without it."

I hope off his back and stand in front of him.

"Like they said you'll never grow tired of me."
"Not a chance."

Then we kissed and made out on my bed for a while because that's what couples do.

But I think this will be my last diary entry. There's no need to keep track of everything I do anymore. Afterall when I'm older I can collect all my amazing stories and write a book. But for now. I'm going to enjoy my boyfriend, my family, my life and the ability to go on runs whenever I want!

Signing out for perhaps the last time...
Gabby Xx