Letters of Unconciousness

9.00am

~ Nate ~

She didn't exactly start the letter off with a ray of positiveity. So right from the very beginning I was worried about the contents. I was dreading reading on. She could have at least started it with a hello or something other than 'I do hope and pray that you will not ever read this letter or any of those which may follow.' That is very dream crushing.

I stopped reading after that sentence. I was not strong enough to continue. Not straight away.

The chocolate cake, the frosting, the conversations, the time to think. It was nice. It was good. I had actually forgotten abot things for a little while as I recognised my feelings and emotions. I still miss her though. So much so that I say it out aloud before I go to sleep and whenever I am alone. She says she is always listening and I believe that tremendously. She makes the impossible possible.

I was giving myself a sense of hope and a willingnness to continue the letter. I picked it up and found the spot I had read and continued. She was hopeful that I would only be reading this with her sititng next to me laughing. At the time it must have been a comforting thought. But now it hurt. Her words hurt. They pained me. I laid down in her bed and listened to the quietness of the whole house. This letter was going to take a long while to read.

"I hope..."

A tear fell onto her words smudging the writing as she hoped that this was all just a dream of mine. I had inched myself so many times in the past that I knew it wasn't. I knew that this was real and had come to terms with that over time. But now I realised that she had thought it was only a dream or a ngihtmare of mine. She somehow hoped it was that. She hoped for some wild things but that I had hoped too.

"I hope that you will somehow detach yourself from me and find a lovely girl."

She is crazy if she thinks that could happen. She is crazy to hope for me to have a better life with someone else. But she only hoped for the best for me. She hoped for me to have everything that I had told her I wished for her. She wished for me things I had always wanted for myself. things I had told her. Things I had used to soothe her when she was in a state of panic or extreme depression. She even remembered that I wanted a daughter named Hope Alexandra. How did she remember that? I was sure she was almost asleep when I told her that. She was always amazing me. But I want a child named Hope Alexandra with her. I don't think the name will sound as nice as it does if it were with another girl.

I cried to myself and quickly shut off my sobs as I heard footsteps in the house. But as I continued the tears couldn't be held in. There was no way I could read it without breaking down and that's exactl what I did. I dug my face into her pillow and whimpered and cried and filled the pillow with my sadness and my heart ache.

"But mostly I hope for you the many joys in the world, the joy of laughter, happiness, adventure, love and so, so, so much more. The world, the fates themselves owe you that much."

She believed in me. She hoped for so much for me. I suppose we hoped for things beyond our reach and control. That's exactly why that hurt me so much I think. I hoped for her to recover. That's all I hoped for. Something so out of reach is what I wished for. I suppose her hopes for me to have everything were smaller in her mind. But to me were just so hard to achieve.

As I read the remember this time I had to say it out aloud. I knew it was something she would say to me and I would have to repeat to her.

"You are a beautiful ship and you will not sink."
I am a beautiful ship and I will not sink.

"You have no achor to weigh you down and you have no limits."
I have no anchor to weigh me down and I have no limits.

"You can sail as far as the winds will take you and as far as the oceans allow."
I can sail as far as the winds will take me and as far as the oceans allow.

"You are strong and you are free."
I am strong and I am free!

As I said it I felt like she was forcing me to say it. As I said it I could feel her eyes burning through me waiting for me to repeat it back to her. I almost got as annoyed and as embarrassed as I did. My face flushed as the memory of her hugs afterwards warmed me. She would always give me a big cuddle after I repeated it but only because I would stare at her until she would.

I missed her.

The letter didn't exactly address the issues around her. it didn't exactly say I hope for a life without me to be like. It said nothing like that. It was just hopes she had for me. Hopes she is wishing will come true. It wasn't positive but it wasn't extremely negative. With this letter she had caused me to break down. And

She has defied the odds. They said 7 months to a year and it has now been 16 months. 4 months longer than the original time they gave us, gave her. Sitting here now after that letter I dont think I have the ability to walk. I think the only thing I would be capable of doing is collpasing backwards on her bed and rolling myself up like a burrito. I didn't want to go in to the hospital. She would be in acoma. That would be different to the last time I saw her. She would be relying heavily on life support and that means more machines and more sounds. It's scary. This morning had gone so well.

I eventually became a burrito. Digging my body into the blankets and wrapping them around me. I was so comfortable. Pressing my head into the wet pillow was awkward. I had to find a way for my arms to come out so that I could flip the pillow. Once flipped the warmth of the other side was welcomed by my cold cheeks. I slept face down on the pillow with the blankets completely wrapped around me, even covering my head.

I woke to the door opening, it wasn't too loud but enough to wake me.

"Nate." I just mumbled into the pillow as a reply. I couldnt see her even if I lifted my head.
"Are you coming into the hospital today?" I knew that I was why she came in. I moved about pulling my hands out first before uncovering my head. She was just standing there laughing at me.
"Nate you don't have too. Nobody is forcing you too."
"I might stay here."
"Don't drown yourself in the blankets."

"I'm going to drive up around 8.30 so an hour, if you want to come then?"
"Sounds good. Get some sleep Miss!"
"Yes Sir."

She walked out very lazily and I heard her bedroom door close. She was so tired. I knew it. If I wasn't moving in my own blanket I could have heard her slump onto her bed. I was moving simply to get the letters to see when the next letter was. I remembered half heartedly that there was at least one in the 70s.

'71st Hour (9.00am)'

That was when the next one was. That was within an an hour and a half. I'd be in the car then. That was fine. For now face down in the pillow was the plan and the action I was taking. Almost dead.