Letters of Unconciousness

4th Hour

~ Gabriella ~

My Nate,

At this point in time I should be finishing my operation and leaving the theatre. It is unlikely, highly unlikely that they will keep me any longer than four hours under the knife. Soon enough the doctors themselves will tire and I'm sure the nurse's feet will begin to ache. Hopefully they will be finishing the surgery happily. All will be well and they will be proud or at the least glad with the results or the procedure. Of course they will not know whether it is a success until 24 hours has passed. My fingers are crossed that they didn't have to do anything unpleasant, or have to change something because of how my body reacted. I hope and pray that my body behaved. However there is the chance that it had not gone to plan. This chance is quite high as we have yet to discuss. Although I stated it in one of my precious letters. If so all we can do is hope that I wake up with the same strength that I had yesterday and a fire to fight.

Just before I continue writing I need to say that if at any time these get too much or you don't want to read them anymore know that no one is forcing you. No one is reading them out to you. It is entirely your choice whether you read them or not. But know that I have not read the letters since I put them inside their envelopes for you. If I repeat things I am sorry for I am quite forgetful when I am this tired.

Today is the day before the dinner with your parents. After so much time of them avoiding me and seeing me twice they invited me for dinner. Feels a bit like meet the parents duh duh duuh. I am currently worrying about what to wear and what the conversation will be like. You tell me that I'll be fine and that I just need to be myself but I wasn't so sure. Myself of recent had been super hypo and taking risks left, right and centre just for fun. I know your parents won't really accept that part of me. Or the drugged up side which I hope not to be by the time I leave. I've never sat down with your parents to talk. I'm scared. I'm actually more scared of this dinner than the surgery. Is that wrong? I don't even know why I'm so worried, they are lovely people and I love their son so how bad could they be right? I'll probably stay up thinking about it, which is really annoying. I need rest physically but mentally apparently I have to be awake and aware. I wish it wasn't that way. So as I wait worrying and going bonkers until the early hours of the morning I've found something to do.

I've decided to look back into my diary, I wonder why I decided to do that. As a part of a discussion with you and my family about my strength both physical and emotional you told me to compare the first few diary entries to the most recent ones. I do wonder how in the world you found out about my diary. It was a top secret thing. I have no idea how you found out but I will found out how one day. Bet on it. And I will hurt you severely if you went looking around my stuff.

But just for you I have written down a few sentences that you can compare and contrast. You can take what you want from them because all I did was laugh.

Entry 2 : "So I'm still trying to get my head around using a diary. I give it a total of two weeks before I am bored with it. The hospital took a total of three visits adding up to 72 hours for me to be bored with it. The rubiks cube which I bought to occupy myself whilst in hospital lasted a mere hour before I was bored with it. Once you master it there is not much point in continuing. The book mum had brought me from home I read for 12 nights from start to finish and now I am bored with it. It's been I have no idea how long maybe a month or something since I got diagnosed with the completely unnameable and unspellable disease that became my enemy."
Recent Entry : "I'm bored... I've got nothing to do and no company. Nate when to bed and I'm bored. No one to text me. I used the rubiks cube but once I realised I could no longer do it I threw it at the wall. Boredom sucks. Especially when you can't sleep because your that high on some medical thing. I have no company to amuse me and it's nearing 3am. The hospital sounds are annoying now. They never seem too scary or frighten me anymore. It's rather disappointing actually. I've actually managed to get use to this place."