Letters of Unconciousness

10.00pm

~ Nate ~

I can't. I can't bring myself to go into the hospital. I can't bring myself to leave the car park. I can't bring myself to leave the car. I can't even bring myself to undo the seatbelt.

I am so unsure. The letter wasn't full of critiscm or hate although it wasn't full of understanding. I still have no idea how I feel about the letter. It was all her and just empty. The letter was written quickly almost a if she didn't want to think about me and at that time I knew she probably didn't.

In the letter before she had practically pleaded for me to visit her however in this one she told me that I would want too. How would she know that? But for some reason I almost don't want too. I almost want to prove her wrong and I have no idea why. Somehow my head has become stuck in the time that the letter was written. The emotions of the time filled me and the sadness filled me. The guilt emptied me of almost every other emotion and it was painful.

But it has been a few days. I've seen her since. We've worked it out somehow. Although we barely spoke about it but we worked it out. Why did I still feel guilty? Why do I now feel like the enemy?

16 months and somehow within a week or a few days I can't stand myself. And being so unaware of her current state is actually killing me. How did she know it would? I want to know how.

I lifted up the next letter. I considered reading it early to see if it had the answers because I knew I wouldn't be able to find them in the hospital. I knew I wouldn't be able to find them here.

The next letter wasn't until the 12th hour. But there was still many underneath it. I wondered how many she had written and why she had written so many when the out come was so varying. I wondered if she was fearing for the worst and preparing for that too. She has always been so positive that its near impossible for me to think that she would have had to of been negative to know to write these many.

I sifted through the letters.

23rd Hour
48th Hour
68th Hour
71st Hour
72nd Hour

Then there was one more called.

10/1 to 11/1

I didn't understand it but I decided not to play with the thought too much I am already unable to enter the hospital. I reach for my seatbelt and force myself to un click it and hop out of the car. As I slow myself up I'm fine. Somehow I have managed to stay calm. As I walk toward the entrance to the hospital my body begins to shake.

It's been only a few hours since I left this morning and only a few hours since she got out of the surgery. She will be in ICU no matter the circumstances and she will be there unconscious or otherwise.

As I enter the elevator the weight is lifted off me with the familiar sounds of the take 40 count down. My body is giving me a headache with its mixed emotions and feelings. When I got to the floor of the ICU my eyes made contact with her family.

So many of them had gathered. There was so many of her aunties and uncles there. Her younger cousins most likely in bed or being looked after somewhere. When someone finally looked in my direction I walked in there's. It was her Aunty and she was tearing up. They all knew something I was yet to hear. They all knew something. I have the immediate feeling of being lost as I am pulled into her arms. But she didn't say anything, no one did they were dead silent. You could hear every foot step and every sob. Her immediate family were no where to be seen. It is just her extended family and although I had met them all I feel lost.

They all knew something I didn't. Had some form of information I was yet to receive. Something I needed to find out. I gripped the letters in my fingers.