Letters of Unconciousness

12th Hour

~ Gabriella ~

My Nate,

So at this point I hope you've been able to visit me. Even if you haven taken the opportunity. I hope someone has spoken to you about the success of the surgery and gotten your spirits high enough that you can maybe sleep easily tonight. I don't want you losing any sleep over me. That's just not right. Especially since I'm probably being really greedy with all the rest I'm getting or will get.

Equality for sleep.

Remember if at any time I wake up or something else I don't want you to keep reading these, okay? But I suppose if you really want too I might let you it just depends on how I feel on the day. But for now just check with me if you can read the ones following. Today I might say yeah there is nothing different in them but I haven't in fact written them yet. So I can't exactly predict how I might feel about them after I've written them. Anyway just ask.

So today is the day after I wrote the last letter. I'm missing you. I'm missing getting your text messages and I miss racing you to be the first one to say good morning. But this morning there was no race and no text message other than the one I can't bring myself to read. I can't. I'm sorry. I don't know if I will before the surgery I probably will. I will crack eventually.

I hate not speaking to you and I hate you not being with me. It's weird being home so close to the surgery with just my family. It's nice I love spending time with them but you've grown a part of that family too. I think I just love you too much that within like twenty four hours I'm in pain for not having contact with you.

But I must hold my ground. I can't speak to you because you'll change my mind. You'll make me change my decision in a flash but I can't. I need to hold my own. This decision is my own and it's the one my gut says is right not my heart. It's confusing because some people say follow your heart and others say follow your gut. My gut says take the chance and face the challenge. My heart says keep it in routine. Do the usual. Survive you've got so much to live for.

But I'm sick of surviving. I'm sick of doing the same thing and watching everything I do or having everything I do overlooked by everyone I hate it. It's not living. Sure there are so many memories I am great full for but I want more than just surviving.

I hope you understand.

This surgery could potentially be life changing and life saving. This surgery could make it so much better and increase my chnce at overcoming this whole disease. It's the best oppurtunity and option that i have been given in such a long time. It's the chance to change, a chance to live. With this I could maybe do more, eat more and not get in trouble so often. As much as I love being rebel I'd love for my doctor to just say to me yes you can go for a run, or yes you can go for a walk by yourself or yes treat yourself to an icecream. I'm dying to hear those words from someone's mouth and this surgery could give me just that.

This surgery is almost like a temptation challenge on the biggest loser and I'm taking it. I succome to the temptation. Yes I may have to work harder after this and put more effort in but I'm willing too. And it's my decision to take the temptation, I didn't have any coach to sway me to either side. For once I'm sound with the decision I've made or taken. It may change because of a situation or because I do decide to change my mind but then you won't be reading this so it doesn't matter.

And as tears fall down on my page I should stop writing. But remember to keep talking to me. Be furious be annoyed I don't care. Just let me hear your voice. I'm listening I promise.

Remember : sometimes your looking but your not really seeing.

Love forever,
Gabriella xx