Letters of Unconciousness

6.00pm

~ Nate ~

The diary I'd known that people had bought for her. Her mum had mentioned it once before so I though why not bring it up take a punt.. I'd just never mentioned it in conversation or acknowledged the fact that I knew it existed. I didn't know how much she wrote in it or what she wrote in it. But I'm slowly learning it seems. Each of those entry's were true Gabby. Even if she was drugged up or sober, in pain or just plain normal it was her. The way she wrote was similar to the way she spoke. The letters were reassuring and comforting to read. They weren't disturbing or annoying. I wanted to read them all but I feared the contents of some. Especially this next one. If she didn't get to write the day after she would have had to write afterwards. The third letter was written the day before the dinner with my parents. A day before the night I found out how risky the surgery or operation was. The day before we fought properly and without holding back. The day before my heart broke. The day before she walked out of my front door without looking back once. The day before I ruined everything because I did exactly what she feared I might.

I held the next envelope in my hands. Three hours. I have to wait three hours before I could read it. Although I wasn't too sure I wanted too. That night I had ruined so much. And I'd only fixed it this morning. I'd only made amends this morning. But these letters aren't written with the emotions she feels right now, they are the emotions of the time. I know I didn't hear her out that night and I didn't know whether she would shut me out in the letter or whether I would get a true talking too. An ear full. I don't know which is better or what I would prefer.

After she walked out of the front door I saw nothing of her. I heard nothing from her except that very last text, "I'll see you on the otherside."After that she didn't text me, she didn't even read my text. She didn't put anything on snapchat. She didn't post anything on facebook or twitter. She did nothing. Her sister was my only connection. The only proof she was still doing stuff. Her sister tagged her in a status that said they were at a park. Then there was a photo of the two of them sitting on her hospital bed playing monopoly. Gabriella had so much more money and houses then her sister whom I found out she eventually sent into negative money. But Gabriella was barely smiling in the photo. She was just playing because there was nothing better for her to do. The photo showed her with a blank face. A pain whelled in my stomach that day and I felt so guilty.

Guilt filled me imediately but I had to let her family have this time with her. I'd fucked up and I'd fucked up bad. I had to pay the consequence not her. Her sister messaged me that night saying that she wasn't the same without me being around. I felt even guiltier then. I'd never thought about the fact that she could plaster on a happy face yet be completely miserable. Or she could paste on a blank face and be crying inside. After I replied to her sister I sat on my bed with my phone out. Open to a new message with only a contact chosen. I sat there. I started a message and then deleted it. I did that so many times. I didn't know how to start it or what to say. That last text I'd sent she still hadn't read. If she didn't read that why would she read this new one. So I decided to call her. But when I reached her contact in my phone I couldn't bring myself to press call.

I'd stuffed up and althoiugh I was ready to apologise and beg for forgiveness I wasn't ready to accept the fact that she was going through with this. She was actually oging to go through with the surgery. I coudn't stand her saying that or telling me that. I wasn't sure I could contain my reaction. I was afraid that I would react similar. That in turn she would hang up on me and not talk to me again. I couldn't have that. So i just didn't send anything. I told myself when the words come to me I will send them right away. But they never did. Her sister's text came the day after our fight on the 5th January. Two days before the surgery. It had only been one day on her bad side and it was killing me. I was in somuch pain. I couldn't handle it. The way I decided to handle with it was to go and climb some roofs and buildings.