Letters of Unconciousness

8th Hour

~ Gabriella ~

My Nate,

I cannot begin to think of how much pain my decision has and may still be putting you through at this point. I have just left your house and have very little grasp on the conversation just ended.

I am asking a lot I realise this but I do not ask for much. I cannot reason my decision nor can I defend my actions to you. I had made my decision. It took me forever to admit it to you but I made it. I had to remain strong. Although I may have looked as if I was staring into yours eyes I was staring past them. I couldn't become enthraled in your eyes. I would have melted. I would have cracked.

I would have changed my decision. I was going to. So many time I almost did. So many times I had to bite back the words and let them fill my stomach with guilt.

Everything you said was so raw and so full of emotion that I didn't know how to react. I didn't know whether to blush because of how much you cared or be furious about how much you didn't consider. My mind is and was so muddled. But you didn't say anything you didn't mean.

I know that for certain.

Everything I said was so choreographed by the time I actually said it. Nate, I gave you the choice between euthanasia and the operation because I was hoping you would jump right to my side. Agree with me. Pick a side I was happy with. But instead you didn't. You couldn't see a better option even though I feel like I laid it out to you bluntly. I don't understand why you couldn't pick that. Why you couldn't just say that you'd prefer me to have the operation. So why didn't you? Why.

I know you don't want to lose me and I suppose that between you and my mother I need to be considerate but be considerate of me.

I'm not going to be this strong forever. I'm not going to be able to fight every day. I'm not going to be able to love my life if this is how it's going to be forever. I need to take the chances I'm given and jump at the opportunities so long as I'm aware as the risks.

I'm not always going to be your soldier. Sometimes I'm going to have to be the surrenderer. It's not suicidal it's picking your battles and admitting your defeats. This isn't defeat though. This is a battle I'm taking. A battle I've decided to enter. A challenge I have willingly accepted. I need you to understand that.

If you can't I do understand. Or at least I will say I will to make it sound better. Or I will say I will for sympathy purposes. It's just like that. I can't say I understand because there is no empathy although sometimes I think there is and more often than not I wish there was.

But it's a miracle I've fought this long and this strong. At the start they doubted me. But now they have faith in me and I have faith in them and when I lose that faith that is when I will give up. This isn't a suicidal mission. This is something I will wak up from and laugh about because I scared everyone. That's what will happen. I can't promise it but I pray every night for that outcome.

And as you will read this at 6pm. I hope you visit or at least speak to someone about my condition. You may not ever want to see me again but I know from previous experiences that it will be killing you not to know.
And your Nate and "Nate is always in the loop."

Remember : "life is an extraordinary miracle."

From Gabriella