Letters of Unconciousness

48th Hour

~ Gabriella ~

Nate(lla),

Do you remember when I use to call you that? When I was so high on drugs that i thought your name and nutella mashed together would sound so good. Good times.

It is now the 48th hour that I have been unconscious. At this time I will be unchanged most likely from the past few hours. However this in turn means that I have been under the anaesthetic for the longest amount of hours. Due to my current weight and status of everything in general I knew I would be under for longer. I hoped and prayed for many nights that this wouldn't be the case. So hopefully your only reading this because I let you read it later on. Fingers crossed.

If that is not the case then things are going to begin to get serious. The affects of this anaesthetic and my body's reaction to it are not a great mix. Therefore the doctors have given me an option that will also be opened up to my family at this point. I have given my say to it but my parents need to give their final ok.

At the 56th Hour which will be 6.00pm if my calculations are correct, my parents will be asked to give the final ok to put me in an induced coma. It is one of the safest options that were expressed to me. Rather than wait out the long hall and see when I will wake up by myself.

If put under the coma I will still be in a state of unconsciousness obviously but the doctors will have a mostly all of the control over my body. They will be able to know when I can be taken out of it and woken up and be able to monitor me. With this they will have a more accurate time of when I can be taken off life support or any breathing aids that I may be connected to.

So in the lead up to this 56th hour I hope for you to rest and talk to me if you get the opportunity. Please remember I'm always listening.

On a different note...

It's been a mere few hours since I last wrote to you, however for you it has been more hours than you would probably prefer. The letters are so spaced out because hopefully I Have woken up one but also because I don't want to get to far ahead of myself and write everything down within the first 48 hours. I'm sorry there aren't more. I'm sure you'd love for little messages but even now as I lay in bed its hard to write. My neck hurts from looking over paper.

My hand is beginning to ache from the many words I have written, the many pages I have filled and the many envelopes I have seeled. Oh and just so you know I have ripped through many many pens writing these letters alone as well as my diary. I had to send someone out to buy me a pack of blue pens because I only had red left. I wasn't too keen on writing with red. Red is for rulers, lines, headings and the like. Not for full letters. That would be way too full on.

But it's all self imposed.

Since I am unable to sleep due to the constant ache in my stomach and the contractions that no painkillers or medication can fix. I've gone home to spend a night in my bed. However it's become my little letter writing station. I have everyones letters in a bag specifically for them. It's now so organised. Your bag as you know now probably is a bonds bag, white with the black bonds on the bottom of the bag. How intriguing. My sister has a Typo. My mum has a raging earth. My dad has a JB hifi bag. Cara has a pandora bag. My Grandparents have a BomberShop bag. Then the rest of the family has just random bags that I found around the house. Like Big W, target, Kmart, Smiggle.

Today I also decided to write letters to family groups which means they will get something because originally I wasn't going to but then I thought why not. I've written heaps of medical things but also loads of memories and I cannot express just how many times I have said sorry, thank you or I am grateful for. It's amazing. I seem like some inspirational person or something weird. I don't know. I'm just in one of those moods. So that means more bags.

In these letters I've been thanking everyone for the past 17 years in especially the past 16 months. I suppose when you're awaiting for something to happen that has so many risks attached you think about everything. You think about how privileged you are and how happy you are that you even got to this point. I mean what was the average death by this disease 7 months to a year and I have defied that. It's crazy.

I'm so happy and thankful or everyone's support. And in case you didn't know that includes you.

So remember : In our daily lives we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful. It is gratefulness that makes us happy.

Sincerely
Gabriella
XxX