Before I Go

Chapter 1

Present

    "Shane Lawson," I read quietly, feeling my heart tug at his name.

     I bit my lip and stared at my journal that lay on my desk, and I wondered how I would do it. How would I make amends with Shane when I knew he hated me and rightfully so. I had cheated on him a year ago when he'd been head over heels in love with me, and Shane had avoided me since. Even though he was my neighbour and former best friend, he knew I wasn't worth keeping around. I was someone you needed to avoid and I didn't blame him for thinking that, because he was right.

     Sighing, I leaned back in my chair and stretched out my tired body. It was midnight and I was planning what I would do before June 20th - my birthday and the day I would take my life. To take your life on your birthday meant to end yourself the same day you began, and that was what I wanted to do. Especially because I was so bitter and miserable about being given life, I knew taking my life on my birthday was the perfect way to go. It was like a big fuck you to the world for what they did to me, which left me smiling to myself because I'd be petty till my last breath.

     But, before I went I had to make amends with the people I'd wronged in the past. And the first person that came to mind was Shane. My childhood best friend, the boy I grew up living next to and my first love. We dated a year ago when I was sixteen. That was, until I cheated on him to crush his trust and push him away, and Shane never spoke to me again. And that was what I aimed for, it was what I deserved for being me, but now I needed Shane's forgiveness. With death knocking on my door soon, I needed to make things right between us or else I wouldn't feel right about leaving the world.

     Looking to my bedroom window, I noticed how dark it was. It was time for bed and I was drowning in my past, thinking about Shane and wondering what I would do about him, which confirmed I needed to talk to him tomorrow at school. For my own sanity, I needed to. So, I called it a day and went to bed.

*****

     I sat at the back of my Calculus classroom, away from everyone. And, everyone stayed away from me. I was the girl with black hair and cold blue eyes. I was the strange girl - the girl who talked to nobody. My guard was up and I looked standoffish, which was why I was friendless and bored.

     But for once, I didn't drown in thoughts about how I'd take my life. I didn't think about my birthday, the day I anticipated, knowing it would finally free me. For once, my eyes were on Shane and I watched him walk around and talk to everyone, looking like the life of the party - which he was.

     Unlike me, Shane was popular and loved by everyone. He had the same black hair and blue eyes as me, but on him it worked. It made him gorgeous and every girls' fantasy, but those same features on me made me unapproachable. I sulked in my seat at the thought.

     And as if sensing me, Shane looked towards me. As if drawn to me, like his eyes used to be when we were together, Shane looked at me and I felt my heart stutter with surprise. Stunned, I watched as his eyes widened momentarily, seeming just as shocked as I was that we had acknowledged each other after a year of ignoring each other, but then he narrowed his eyes and shot me a look that told me to get lost. He then pulled his gaze away and hugged a friend, leaving me to stare after him helplessly.

     Shane hated me and he rightfully deserved to, but it left me feeling hopeless. I spent so much time thinking what I did was okay, that I'd been trying to protect everyone, but now I was starting to realize just what I did. I destroyed someone's trust, broken their heart and now I was crazy to think they'd ever forgive me. But, I had to try.

*****

     From my locker, I stared at Shane who was talking to a small, brunette name Kylie. She was laughing at everything he said, smiling so widely she looked like she'd burst. And Shane looked just as happy as she did, his eyes shimmering and his smile wide. I stared at them, feeling a longing I hadn't felt for a while. I tried so hard to repress everything and I thought I didn't care that Shane and I weren't friends anymore, but seeing him look at her the way he used to look at me left my heart sinking.