Before I Go

Chapter 9

Past

     My dad was glaring at my mom with such a hateful look that she shrunk back into the couch, trying to make herself as small as possible. She was already a small women with her height being similar to mine; barely five feet. And when I saw her shrinking back, something tugged at my heart and I stayed frozen in my spot on the staircase.

     "Shut the fuck up," my dad said. "You useless bitch. Do you think I need you? You do nothing but complain. You do absolutely nothing!"

     Even from where I stood on the staircase, I could smell the alcohol coming from my dad. My mom was still shrinking into the couch, but tears were now sliding down her face. She was speechless. Sometimes she stood up for herself and argued back, but this was one of those days where my mom felt defeated.

     My dad kept moving closer and closer to my mom and she stared up at him with her eyes full of tears. She looked terrified and even though I knew I shouldn't step in, that I would only get caught in the crossfire, I couldn't resist. So barging down the staircase, I ran to where my parents were.

     "Stop!" I shouted. "Just stop. Leave her alone!"

     My dad slowly turned to look at me and he snarled. I froze and stared at him, feeling fear blossom in my heart as he glared at me. My dad's actions were uncontrollable when he was intoxicated, which meant I didn't know what to expect.

     "What did you say?" he snapped.

     I glanced at my mom who gave me a look that begged me to leave, to not make things worse, but I couldn't back down. Not when I knew my dad would go back to breaking down my mom.

     "Just leave her alone!" I shouted. "What's wrong with you."

     "Don't talk to me like that," he said, lunging at me. "Stupid child."

     My dad went to hit me, but I jumped back and he missed me. He stumbled forward and fell, and immediately knocked out. I gasped, afraid something went wrong.

     My mom immediately jumped up from the couch and went to check on my dad. She put her face near his and checked if he was breathing, and she relaxed when she confirmed he was. I stared at her, wondering how she could love my dad despite the way he treated her. Love never made sense to me after seeing their relationship.

     "Mia," my mom said, looking to me. "Are you okay?"

      Her eyes were full of pity and only then did I realize tears were running down my face. I was shaking and I hugged myself, realizing how scared I'd been. Ever since I was a a child, I'd been so scared of my dad and his unpredictable actions.

     "You know, you shouldn't have interfered," my mom said quietly. "I don't want you anywhere near him. I want you... safe."

     "But I can't just let him talk to you like that," I said, crying harder. "I hate him. I hate him so much. I wish he didn't exist."

     "Mia, don't talk about your dad like that."

     I cried harder, so angry and confused by what my mom was saying. She knew he was dangerous, someone to be feared, but yet she was defending him. I didn't understand.

     "Fine, I'll never try to save you again," I said, whirling around. "Good luck dealing with the man you won't save yourself from."

      I didn't wait for my mom to reply as I ran out the house and went to Crescent park. As tears continued to run down my face, I wondered what was wrong with me. I rarely cried and when I did cry, it meant that I was in a horrible place. It meant that I was on edge, wishing for death, and my heart pounded as I realized it was happening again. The suicidal thoughts were creeping in.