Before I Go

Chapter 27

Present

     My parents were at work and I was preparing what I needed for my upcoming death. I stole as many pills as I could from my dad's medication drawer and hid them in the washroom, and now I was calling Shane to make sure he wouldn't interrupt me. With my parents at work, it was just Shane I was really worried about.

      "Hey," Shane said, picking up my call. "What's up?"

     "Hey," I said. "I'm super sorry, but I'm not feeling too well. Can we reschedule our plans?"

      "Oh no. Do you want me to come over?"

     "No." My eyes widened and I became panicked. The last thing I wanted was for Shane to come over. "No... I don't want you getting sick. Please stay as far as you can from me today. I'm so sorry."

      Shane did't say anything for a moment and my heart began to pound against my chest. I had spent the entire day so anxious and with every minute that passed, I was growing more and more terrified for my upcoming death.

     "Okay, get well soon," Shane finally said. "I'll see you soon. We'll celebrate another day."

     "Thank you," I said. "Bye Shane. I love you."

    "Bye. I love you, too."

     Shane hung up then and I exhaled, trying to relieve myself from all the stress I felt. But, I did't feel any better. As I glanced up at the clock on the wall and realized it was nearing three, I grew more stressed as I realized my parents would be home soon.

      But then, I realized I needed to leave behind a note. I had already written one for my mom, but I hadn't written one for Shane yet because I hadn't had the heart to. But now that it was time to go, I had to write him a letter.

     So pulling out my notebook, I began to write. And as I wrote, I read out my letter.

     "Dear Shane, I'm so sorry I lied to you. But, I just couldn't bare the thought of living any longer," I whispered, feeling myself choke up. "I spent my entire life in hell. Everyday hurt so much and I felt so overwhelmed with pain. I was given a shitty life and there's nothing that can change that. You kept telling me there's hope that things can get better, but I can't keep hoping. Hope has never done anything for me and after years of misery, I realized I have to take my life if I want to be okay."

      Tears were running down my face now. I was choking back sobs, realizing this was it. With this letter, this would be my last words to Shane.

     "My biggest regret will be leaving you. You are my first and only love," I read, trembling as I thought about Shane and how much I loved him. "I love you more than anything in this world. You are the reason why for so many days, I chose to wake up and live. You were my happiness. You were everything I wanted in a single boy. And I will forever wish my life had been different, so we could have spent the rest of our lies together. You are the one thing that makes me want to stay, but I can't.

     "So Shane, my love, please remember that I love you and that nothing you could have said or done would have made me stay. Please don't feel guilty or as if you could have done more to make me stay because I made my decision a long time ago. So please remember that I love you. I always will and I hope we meet again in the next life. You are my soulmate. You are my everything. And I love you so, so much."

     I broken down sobbing at my last sentence and I covered my mouth to soften the sound of me crying, but it didn't help. As I realized I would never see Shane again and how I loved him more than anything in this world, I sobbed so hard that my heart ached. I couldn't believe I'd be leaving Shane behind.