Before I Go

Chapter 13

Present

     "So," Shane said, smiling at me. "Looks like Amber Riley is next. She's in our grade. I know her."

     "Yeah, looks like it," I said, staring at my journal.

     On the page I held, Amber Riley was next on the page. I met her during freshman year and just like I'd done with Shane, I pushed her away. I hadn't done something as cruel to her as I did to Shane, but I still felt bad. That was why I yearned for her to forgive me.

     "What did you to do her?" Shane asked, his eyes full of curiosity.

     "Back in freshman year she really tried to become friends with me and at first I was iffy about it, but eventually I let her in," I said, sighing as I remembered the girl who was so bubbly. I had no friends in my Math class and Amber made it her mission to become friends with me, and after months of trying she finally got what she wanted. "But then I cut her off as soon as the class ended. She tried to call me and she chased me down in the hallways, but I ignored her. Even when she tried to talk to me, I pushed her away."

     Shane looked surprised and I blushed. I closed my journal, unsure of what to say next.

     "Why did you push her away?" Shane asked. "You didn't like her?"

      "No, I really liked her," I said. "That's the problem."

     Shane looked confused and I bit my lip. I knew I couldn't tell Shane the truth. That because I was the way I was, I pushed everyone I cared about away to protect them. There was nothing wrong with them, it was all me and I knew if I told Shane that, he'd realized I did that to him, too.

     "Well, looks like you owe her an apology," Shane said, smiling. I grew thankful that he sensed I wanted to change the subject. "Come on. I'm sure it'll go as well as it did with Jasmine."

     "I really hope so," I said, smiling shyly.

*****

     I was waiting at a cafeteria table at lunch time for Shane and Amber. After getting cold feet about talking to Amber, Shane had went out of his way to find Amber and bring her to me, and I sat at the table waiting fo them to come. My legs were fidgeting as I grew more and more nervous for their arrival.

     Eventually, I spotted them walking to where I sat. The cafeteria was packed and people were shouting and running around, but all I noticed was them. And to my surprise, Shane and Amber were deep in conversation and my heart jolted when Amber threw her head back, her curly blonde hair bouncing, and laughed. Shane was a people person and also a ladies man, but it always surprised me to see how different we were.

     Soon, they reached the table I sat at and they sat down. Shane went to sit next to me and Amber sat across from me, and I thanked Shane for choosing to sit next to me. I needed him at my side.

     "Hey," Amber said, grinning. "It's been a while, Mia. How are you?"

     "I'm okay," I said. "How are you? The last time we spoke was in freshman year."

     "I'm great." Amber's eyes widened. "Damn, has it really been that long?"

     I nodded, knowing it had been. The weeks I spent pushing Amber away had been some of the worst weeks I'd been through. Guilt had devoured me, but I kept pushing Amber away anyways, thinking it was what was best for her.

     "You were really good to me in freshman year. I had no friends and you kept trying to become my friend," I said, eyes softening. "I didn't understand why you wanted me to become your friend, but slowly you broke down my walls and I let you in. We became friends and... and I was happy being your friend. You were the first friend I made outside of Shane on my own. But then... I pushed you away."

     "Why did you push me away?" Amber asked. Her eyebrows furrowed and she looked confused now. My heart ached as I knew Amber would never grow mad or annoyed by anyone, even when she deserved to be. "I remember being so confused because you finally let me be your friend and everything was going great, but as soon as the semester ended you cut me off and for months I wondered why."

     "I'm so sorry Amber," I said. I debated on whether to tell her the truth or not. But seeing the sad look on Amber's face and thinking about how she spent months questioning why I did what I did, I knew I had to be honest. I was learning that honesty was needed if you wanted someone's forgiveness. "I just... I just get scared when I let someone in. I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared of getting hurt or maybe I'm scared of hurting them. I just feel like I'm better off alone, so I push people away to protect them and myself."

     To my surprise, Amber nodded, seeming to understand. I grew relieved because I felt like I sounded crazy. I wasn't sure how to explain myself, but somehow Amber seemed to understand.

     "I get it," Amber said. "To be honest I got that vibe from you, but I still wanted to be your friend anyways. You seemed cool and you turned out to be a great friend, so it was all worth it. I don't regret a thing."

     "Really?" I said, surprised. "I thought you hated me. I mean, you're too nice to hate me, but I would have expected you to at least regret what happened."

     "No, those few months we spent as friends were great." Amber smiled and it lit up her entire face. "I was worried about you when you cut me off to be honest. But, I didn't know what to do. I hope you're okay."

     I bit my lip, unsure of what to say. There was no way I'd tell Amber the truth, but I didn't want to lie to her either.

    "Mia will never say this herself, but she'd love to reconnect with you," Shane said. I looked at him, surprised, but I couldn't deny his words. "I personally think she needs someone like you in her life."

     "Well, I'd love to reconnect with her, too," Amber said, grinning. She looked at me and I found myself smiling as well. Amber had one of those contagious smiles. "Here, take my number."

     Amber pulled out her phone and passed it to me, and I entered my number in. I didn't expect to reconnect with Amber like this, but I wasn't complaining. Amber had been someone I really did care about her and because I cared about her, I pushed her away. It seemed like I hurt the people I loved the most.

     "So, do you forgive me?" I asked, realizing Amber hadn't said she had. "For what I did in freshman year?"

     "I was never mad," Amber said. "But sure. I forgive you, Mia. I hold no ill feelings for you."

     I immediately grew relieved. Just like with Jasmine, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I thanked my luck because somehow, the people I hurt always ended up forgiving me, even when I didn't deserve it.

     "Well, I have to meet up with a friend," Amber said, moving to stand up. "I'll text you later. Maybe we can grab bubble tea or something another day."

     "I would love that," I said, meaning it. "Thank you for forgiving me."

     "No worries."

     Amber gave us one last contagious smile and she then walked off. I stared after her, feeling happier than I felt in a while because I couldn't believe how easily Amber and Jasmine forgave me. And even Miles had forgiven me easily, which made me smile. It made me also realize that maybe, I wasn't as horrible as I thought I was.

     "So, you push people away to protect them and yourself?" Shane asked.

    I looked at Shane, surprised by what he said. He was staring at me, his eyes full of questions, and I gulped. I didn't like where this was going.

     "Yeah," I said. "It's a habit I have."

     Shane stared at me for a moment, looking conflicted. I felt guilty and a part of me wanted to tell him that, that was what I did to him. I had loved Shane so much that I realized to protect both him and I, I had to push him away in the worst way possible.

     "I see," Shane said, looking down. "Things are starting to make sense."

     I gulped, unsure of what to say. So instead of being honest, instead of finally letting Shane know, I changed the subject quickly. Even though I wanted Shane's forgiveness and for him to realize that I really did love him, I didn't want to tell Shane the truth. Because deep down, I feared he'd love me again, and I couldn't let that happen. Not when I would be leaving the world soon.