Before I Go

Chapter 16

Past

     I climbed down the stairs, ready for my picnic with Shane. From all the way upstairs I could hear my parents arguing and I hoped I could make my exit without them noticing, but I had a bad feeling I couldn't. I slowed down my walk on the stairs and stared at my parents, who were screaming at each other.

     "Stupid bitch," my dad said. "Good for nothing."

     "Me!" my mom shouted. "Coming from you?"

     I exhaled tiredly, feeling tired to my bones. For years my parents had been arguing. They'd been screaming and attacking each other, trying to break the other down, and I was exhausted. Although it was my dad who triggered these fights, sometimes I wished my mom didn't fight back. Hearing them argue, no matter how many years it'd been, always left me feeling both sad and exhausted.

     "Where are you going!" my dad shouted.

    I turned to look at him, sighing once I reached the bottom of the steps. He was glaring at me, fuming as he stared at me.

     "I'm going on a picnic with Shane," I said. "I'll be home before ten."

     "Who said you could go?" my dad asked. "Stupid child. Can't respect her father."

     I stared at him, not bothering to say anything. There was no point in arguing with him. He had no empathy. No heart. He didn't care if he was hurting his family, all he cared about was himself.

     "Just leave her alone," my mom said. "Go Mia. Go have fun."

     I nodded numbly, unsure of what to say. And before I left my house, I heard my dad shout and scream at me, calling me a stupid and useless, and I gulped. I'd been through this for years and I thought I'd be numb to it, but with every year that passed I grew weaker. I grew more and more tired of dealing with this and lately, I was realizing I couldn't do this anymore. I didn't want to live like this anymore.

*****

     I was lying down on a picnic blanket with Shane beside me, full from our meal. He was laying down as well and we were staring up at the bright, blue sky. The sun was shining down on us and Shane was describing the clouds, giving me stories about them, and I laughed. With Shane and I having a blast, I should feel happy. Shane should be enough to make me happy, but lately he wasn't.

     As I stared up at the sky and Shane finished his tale, we lay in silence for a moment. And as lay, I thought about my parents and I thought about how tired I was. For years I hated my life. I hated every second I was alive and the truth was, Shane was the only reason why I hadn't killed myself. He was the only thing anchoring me to stay alive.

     I looked to Shane then and thought about how happy I was. I loved him. We were both so happy and in love, but lately it wasn't enough. With my parents shouting everyday, with my dad putting me down everyday, lately nothing could make me happy. Nothing could make me want to live. And that was why I was beginning to realize that I couldn't do this anymore.

     I knew that if I were to take my life, I couldn't do it dating Shane though. That was too cruel, but I also knew that there was no way Shane would break up with me. He loved me too much and I knew he'd love me, even if I broke up with him, which was when I realized I had to do something to make Shane hate me. Even if that was the last thing I wanted, for Shane, to protect him, I had to break his heart.

     "This is the happiest I've ever been," Shane said, looking at me and smiling. "Being with you just makes me so happy."

     "Me too," I whispered.

     I ached as I thought about how I had to hurt him. I had to break his heart if I wanted Shane to forget about me, which made me want to scream at the world. All this world ever did was take and take from me and I hated every second that I was alive.

     "Why do you seem so sad?" Shane said, frowning.

     "It's nothing," I said, forcing a smile. "You're just... a really good person, Shane. And I'm sorry."

     "For what?"

     Shane looked confused and I shook my head. I had to fight back the tears that threatened to leak out of my eyes as I leaned forward and pressed my lips against Shane's forehead gently. When I pulled away from him, Shane looked worried and I forced a smile again.

     "I love you," I said. "I love you and I always will."

     Shane opened his mouth to say something, but I leaned forward and cut him off. I didn't want to hear him say it back, I didn't want him to question what was going on. Knowing this may be one of the last days we had together as a couple, I just wanted to kiss Shane until I ached. I just wanted to pretend we had forever, even though we didn't.

      Shane kissed me back hesitantly and when I deepened the kiss, he began to kiss me back passionately. He ran his fingers through my hair and I held onto him, wishing my life had been different. I wished my life had been better, but I had lost in the game of life. And it sucked, but it was what I got.

      Eventually, Shane pulled away and before I could say anything, he said, "I love you, too. I always will and I can't imagine ever stopping."

      I stared at Shane, feeling my heart break and tear apart. I wished Shane was an asshole. I hated how nice and kind he was, which made me know he didn't deserve me. Once I was gone, I knew Shane would find an incredible girl and smiling, I knew that was the life Shane needed and deserved.

     "I know," I said. "Thank you for loving me. I know I'm not that lovable."

     "Stop saying that," Shane said, brushing a strand of my hair back. "Seriously, you need to stop putting yourself down."

     I shook my head and leaned forward, and I began to kiss Shane again. He kissed me back and we made out on our picnic blanket and I tried so hard to forget about the world with him, but I couldn't. I was at my breaking point. And at my breaking point, I had to ruin what Shane and I had. For him, I had to.