Before I Go

Chapter 19

Present

      I was pacing around my front porch, thinking about how I had to push Shane away. To protect him, I had to hurt him again. Even if it wasn't the right thing to do, I was sure that to protect both Shane and I, I had to break his heart again.

     Freezing, my eyes grew wide when I saw Miles finally pull into my driveway with his car. He jumped out and looked to me, and I immediately smiled. I spent the whole day pacing, praying he'd come over fast, and I felt relieved once he arrived. After a sleepless night, I wanted to get this over with.

     "Mia," Miles said, walking over to where I stood on the porch. "What's wrong? You told me it's an emergency, so I rushed over here."

     "I need you to kiss me again," I said.

     Miles froze. HIs eyes widened with horror and he stared at me, looking as if he couldn't believe me.

     "Oh my god, Mia... Not again. Please, not again," Miles said, stepping back.

     "Wait!" I said. "Hear me out. Shane still loves me and he wants me, even though I cheated on him. I was stupid and I kissed him back a few days ago, and he thinks we can still be together. I need to show him otherwise. I need to push him away."

     "Oh Mia."

     "You know why! You know I'm only doing this to protect him. Come on, Miles. Please."

     Miles was stepping back slowly, making his way to his car, and I ran to him. It was hard to swallow as panic hit me.

      "Miles!" I shouted, grabbing the front of his leather jacket. "Please. Just kiss me. That's all I want you to do."

     "Mia, you know we shouldn't do this," Miles said. "You know this won't solve anything. You said it yourself, cheating on Shane was the biggest mistake of your life. Don't go repeating your past mistake now."

      I froze, thinking about how I thought that. I thought about how I kept telling myself that I'd never do this again, that if I could go back in time, I would never cheat on Shane. But it was different when I needed to protect Shane. I never wanted to hurt him and I loved him with ever ounce of my soul, which was exactly why I had to break his heart.

     And that was when, I started to cry.

     "Miles, you don't understand how scared I am," I said, crying harder. "I'm doing this because I care about Shane. Because in the long run, I'm saving Shane from a life time of pain. I know what I'm doing is wrong and that it caused a lot of suffering, but the suffering Shane will face if I don't do this will be worse."

     I was sobbing now and my entire body trembled with sobs. I hugged myself and Miles looked at me, seeming pained. He looked conflicted now and I stared at him, praying he'd give in.

     "Oh Mia," Miles said, holding out his arms. "I'm so sorry. You don't deserve all this pain."

     I stepped forward and fell into Mile's hug. I laid my face against his chest momentarily, planning my next steps.

     "I understand why you think you need to do this," Miles said. "You explained it in the past and I understand where you're coming from, but this is not the way to handle Shane. He and you both deserve better. Don't go breaking both your hearts because you want to protect him."

      I lifted my head up and leaned forward to try to kiss Miles. Ignoring what he said, ignoring the consequences, and knowing Shane would be coming over soon, I leaned forward. As I held Miles tightly, I prayed he'd meet my lips.