Before I Go

Chapter 14

Past

     Shane and I were holding hands as we sat on a picnic blanket in front of a screen that played the movie, Infinity War. We were at a park at night and there were dozens of other people sitting on the field as well. There was a movie festival happening at Crescent Park and everyone had gathered to watch movies.

     As we sat, Shane pulled me closer to him and I blushed. I glanced at our hands and smiled, thinking about how happy we were together. We'd been dating for weeks now and everything had been going smoothly. Other than being more touchy, nothing had changed either, which made our relationship perfect.

     I looked up at Shane and thought about how lucky I was. Shane was anyone's dream. He was perfect and too good to be true, and I wondered how he could have fallen for me. I was far from perfect.

     "Ugh," Shane whispered, looking to me. "I forgot how depressing this movie is. It's weird seeing the good guys getting beaten up. Worse when that's how the movie ends."

     "I know right," I said, looking to the screen and seeing that the credits were on. I'd been too busy admiring Shane to notice. "It's okay. At least in Endgame everything worked out."

     "True."

     Shane smiled at me and it lit up his entire face. Ever since we began dating, I noticed how much happier Shane was. He'd always been a happy person, but now happiness exuded out of him. He seemed to constantly be beaming, his joy so obvious that anyone could notice, and the thought warmed my heart. Wondering if I played a role, I couldn't help but melt a little.

     "Well, I'm starving," Shane said. "Do you want to grab some food?"

     "Of course," I said. "Let's go."

     Shane smiled once again and together, we went to find a restaurant to eat at.

*****

     We sat at a restaurant called Rileys and Shane and I were sitting in a booth across from each other. Both our eyes were on our menus and I was deep in thought, wondering about what to eat. Realizing I should ask Shane for help, I looked up, but then I froze.

     To my surprise, Shane was already staring at me. His eyes were so gentle, so affectionate, that I was left speechless. All I could do was stare at him and he smiled shyly.

     "Sorry, looks like you caught me staring," Shane said, blushing. "I couldn't help it."

    "Oh, it's okay," I said, turning red. "Um... I was just wondering what you were ordering. What would you recommend?"

     "The pastas are really good here. I'm getting this seafood one."

    Shane showed me what he was getting on his menu and I nodded. I could barely pay attention though. As I thought about the way Shane stared at me, looking so mesmerized, I ached. I never thought I'd find love. Not when I was me.

     Soon, Shane and I ordered our food and we waited for it to come. And as we waited, we began to talk about our relationship.

     "Can you believe it's almost our one month anniversary," Shane said, grinning. "Time flies by when you're in love."

    "Yeah, I can't believe it's almost been a month," I said, eyes widening. "I still remember your birthday party and how it all started."

     Shane smiled, his eyes reminiscing. I blushed, remembering the way we made out on his porch.

     "So you had no idea that I was into you?" Shane asked, looking skeptical. "I feel like you could have been able to tell by the way I looked at you."

     "I had no idea," I said. "To be honest I just thought you looked at me like that because we were best friends. We'd known each other for so long that I got used to the look, too."

     "Makes sense."

    Shane grew deep in thought and I stared at him. His black hair fell across his forehead and gently, I brushed it back. Shane looked at me, surprised, and I blushed. It was strange how love could make your heart pound by simply looking at someone.

     "When did you fall for me?" I asked.

    "When we were in grade eight," Shane said, blushing. He looked embarrassed and my heart grew warm. "Once I got past the ew, girls have cooties phase, I fell for you immediately. Well, to be honest I'm not sure if I fell for you then. More so, I realized that I always I liked you as more than a friend and it made sense."

     I couldn't help but grow emotional. I spent years being ignored by guys. I genuinely didn't think any guy could fall for me and I never minded that, but having Shane say such sweet words to me made me wonder if I deserved it. No one had ever been so sweet to me.

     "I always thought you were super attractive," I said. "Even when you were lanky and frail, I thought you were gorgeous. I thought you were out of my league because of that."

     "I'll never understand why you think I'm out of your league," Shane said, rolling his eyes. "I don't know if you know this, but you're beautiful, Mia. Not just on the outside, but on the inside as well."

     "You're way too nice, Shane."

    Shane rolled his eyes as I tried to brush him off again and I smiled sadly. We were happy. Everything was going smoothly, but I still couldn't help but feel insecure. And sometimes, I grew scared about how I felt because I'd never felt such a joy around someone. I never felt this way before. And even though I wanted this to last forever, I had a bad feeling that good things never lasted and something was bound to go wrong.

     "Shane, do you think we'll stop being friends if we break up?" I asked. "Sometimes I think about that."

     "Why do you think about us breaking up?" Shane asked, eyes widening.

     "It's just me being pessimistic." I blushed, embarrassed by my thoughts. "I feel like this is too good to be true. I just... I just never felt his happy in my life."

     Shane's eyes grew soft on me and he took my hands in his and squeezed them. I looked down at our hand and stared at them, feeling vulnerable. Ever since Shane and I got together, I felt like the key to my heart had been unlocked and slowly, things were pouring out.

      "Mia, I will never, ever break up with you. We've already spent ten years together and I'm confident we'll spend the rest of our lives together," Shane said. "Maybe I'm too optimistic, but I know I want this forever. I love you, Mia. I always have and I always will. I'm confident about that."

     "I love you, too," I said, the words coming out easily. "I don't want this to end either. I just get scared because sometimes I feel like good things don't last. Somehow, everything goes wrong and I'm scared."

      "Don't be." Shane squeezed my hands again and he stared into my eyes, a look of determination on his face. "I won't let you down. Trust me."

     I smiled, touched by Shane's sweet words. He really was too good to be true and I wanted us to be together forever, but I couldn't help feel scared about things going wrong. Because my entire life, everything had gone wrong. And knowing that, I feared I would drag Shane down with me. I feared I'd suck him into the black hole that was my life, which was why Shane's words didn't make me feel any better.

     But instead of arguing further, I simply said, "Okay. I believe you. Thank you, Shane."

     "No need to thank me," Shane said, rolling his eyes. "But look, our food's here."

     The waitress came with out food and we continued to talk and eat. I was having a great time and I felt so happy with Shane, but I couldn't wonder about when things would go wrong. I couldn't help but fear that I wasn't good enough for Shane, too.