Before I Go

Chapter 17

Present

     Shane asked me to hang out with him and I'd been terrified to, but nothing had changed between us. As Shane and I walked around the school field at lunch time, I wondered if I imagined our kiss. Shane acted as if nothing happened and although I was happy about that, a part of me still couldn't help but wonder if he meant to kiss me.

     "Are you sure Miles doesn't mind me stealing you for this one lunch?" Shane asked, looking to me.

     "No, I warned him," I said. "He seriously doesn't mind. He's a bit of a lone wolf himself, so I think he's probably happy to have a break from me."

     I smiled a bit as I thought about how thrilled Miles was when I told him Shane wanted to spend lunch with me. He hadn't been upset at all and I bit my lip to avoid telling Shane that.

     "Yeah, it's weird," Shane said, looking thoughtful as we made our second lap around the field. "Miles is so confident and open when he's with just you and me, but otherwise he's so shy and reserved. People are interesting."

      "It's more a comfort thing," I said. "People tend to open up more and show their real selves when they're more comfortable around someone."

     "Like you."

      Shane looked at me and gave me a smile that lit up his entire face. And for a mere second, I was struck by the sight, unable to believe Shane could give me such a warm and loving smile after everything I put him through. And as I stared at him for a moment, I thought about how I still and always loved him.

      Looking away, I felt myself tearing up as I knew it was selfish for me to love him. My life was ending soon and I cheated on him, and it was selfish for me to love Shane. After everything I put him through, after pushing him away just to make him stop loving me, I couldn't love him.

      "Are you okay?" Shane asked, frowning.

      I shook my head, snapping myself out of it. Ever since we kissed, my mind was consumed by Shane. I couldn't believe Shane hadn't changed since the kiss.

      "Yeah, I'm okay," I said, forcing a smile.

      Shane stopped walking then and I froze, wondering what was going on. I turned to face Shane and together, we stood on the field and I felt my dark hair blow off to the side. We were far away from anyone else and all I could do was stare into Shane's blue eyes.

      "Are you mad at me for kissing you?" Shane asked, catching me off guard. "I'm sorry I kissed you. I just... couldn't help it. It's just been so long since we've hugged and when we hugged I was reminded of the past and I..."

      Shane drifted off and he looked away. His face was red and I stared at him, speechless. All this time I thought Shane had forgotten about the kiss, but it seemed like his mind was on it as well.

      "I'm not mad at all," I said. "I'm just... confused, I guess. I cheated on you. I did the worst thing possible to you and I just couldn't believe you kissed me."

      "It's because," Shane said, whipping his head to look at me again. "I... I..."

      Shane seemed to be fighting against himself. He looked torn and he ran his fingers through his dark hair, looking so stressed he'd burst. And I stared at him, feeling worse about everything. I felt like I did something wrong.

      "You know, I wonder about that, too," Shane said. "You cheated on me. I shouldn't care about you, I shouldn't want to kiss you, but yet... I want to. Every time I look at you, all I want to do is hold you and tell you that I love you, which makes no sense. You broke my heart and trust. You made me lose a part of myself, but yet... I just can't stop caring about you."

      I stared at Shane horrified. Fear filled me, but yet my heart blossomed. As Shane told me he still cared about me, the part of me that loved Shane was overjoyed. All I ever wanted was for Shane to forgive me and love me, but yet I knew this wasn't a good thing. This was the start of a mess.

     "Really?" I asked, unsure of what to say. "You still care about me?"

     "Of course," Shane said, looking pained. His eyes were full of fear and I felt my heart drop. "I never stopped, Mia. I was hurt for a long time and I'm still hurting, but not once did I ever stop loving you."

      I teared up, unable to help it. Shane had always been so sweet, so kind, so loving, and once again I was reminded of why I didn't deserve him. It broke my heart to hear him love me despite giving him every reason not to, which was when I began to panic. Knowing Shane couldn't love me and that I'd be losing my life soon, I realized that I needed to do something.

      "Shane," I said. "You shouldn't love someone like me. You just shouldn't and if I'm capable of hurting you once, I can do it again."

      "I know that," Shane said. "And that's the worst part. I know you can break my heart in an instance, but I can't help but hand my heart over to you."

     "But Shane. You shouldn't love me. I'm not right for you."

     "But yet, my heart won't let me think otherwise."

     Shane looked so pained, so vulnerable, and I fought back the tears that threatened to spill out. I hated how emotional I'd become. Lately, everything in my life made me want to break down and cry and that was another reason why Shane and I couldn't be together. Even though deep down I was thriving at the words Shane spoke, I knew this was the last thing I needed. After working so hard to push Shane away, I realized I needed to do it again.

      "I'm so sorry Shane," I said, stepping back. "I just can't."

     "But you kissed me back," Shane said, his eyes widening. Panic seeped into him and I felt worse. "If you didn't love me, if you didn't care about me, you wouldn't have kissed me back."

      I winced, realizing I'd been caught. I should have stopped the kiss from happening, but instead I had welcomed it in and kissed him back. I had kissed him in a way that showed the longing I felt and there was no way to deny my feelings.

      "Shane, please realize we can't be together," I said. "I'm so sorry, but we can't! Please stop loving me."

     "But I can't," Shane said. "You don't understand, Mia. No matter what I try to do, I can't stop loving you."

      I looked away then and whirled around. I couldn't handle it anymore. I hated seeing how pained Shane looked. So without another word, I began to run off. With tears running down my cheeks, I ran as fast as I could from my biggest sin.

      I hated hurting Shane and I hated how messy I made his life. He deserved better and I wished he'd realize that, which was why I realized I had to do it again. To get Shane to forget me, I had to break his heart again. I hated the thought of it, I hated putting him through that torture again, but with my life ending soon and knowing that Shane needed to get over me, I realized I needed to repeat my biggest mistake.