Before I Go

Chapter 26

Present

     "Why does it sound like you're saying goodbye?" Amber asked.

     I was sitting on my bed and I hesitated, unsure of what to say. It was the day before my birthday and the truth was, I was saying goodbye. This was the last day I'd be alive and I knew it was time to say my goodbyes. To everyone that I cared for, I had to talk to them before I went.

     "Sorry, it isn't a goodbye," I lied. "It's just... It's summer time and it'll be harder to see each other. Especially now that school ended."

     "Summer is the perfect time to hang out with friends," Amber said. I could clearly hear her confusion and I bit my lip. "Why are you thanking me for being a good friend as if we'll never see each other again."

     I looked down, feeling my heart ache. It was strange. I had been waiting for my birthday for so long and now that it was only a day away, something felt off. Something felt wrong, but I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was wrong.

     "Sorry, we'll hang out this summer," I said. "I just want to thank you anyways because you've always been so nice to me. You were such a good friend and I'm sorry I pushed you away. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I'm so happy you forgave me."

     "Mia, please stop talking in the past tense," Amber said. "It's scaring me."

     I stared at my feet and didn't say anything for a moment. I wished I could tell Amber the truth, but I couldn't. No one but Shane would ever know the truth and it was for the best, but I hated how I would leave Amber, Miles and my mom in shock by what I would do.

     "Sorry," I said. "I'm so sorry Amber."

     Amber began to scold me for apologizing and I exhaled, feeling relieved that we changed topic. I hated saying goodbyes. I hated knowing that I would be the one leaving them without them knowing, but it had to be done. After years of pain and misery, it was finally time for me to go.

*****

      Miles and I were sitting on the usual bench and I stared at Shane who was on the soccer field. He was sprinting with the soccer ball at his feet, dodging anyone who came at him, and pride welled up within me. Shane was incredible and he was mine, and I bit my lip to fight back the pain I felt at the thought of never seeing him again. I so badly wanted to believe in an afterlife, but I wasn't sure about it.

     "School is finally ending," Miles said, stretching out his long, tired body. "Good riddance. I can't wait to go to university."

     "Me too," I said. "Well, I'm taking a gap year before I start. So I'm excited to spend the year doing nothing."

     It was weird lying about my future. But, it had to be done. I had only taken a gap year because I was sure I would take my life, which was why I had to lie now.

     "Guess this is our last day together, isn't it?" Miles asked, smiling sadly. "Looks like we won't be seeing each other for a while."

     "It is," I said, growing deep in thought. "I guess this is goodbye."

     I stared at Miles for a moment, feeling millions of emotions runnings through me. Miles and I had barely tolerated each other when we first met, but things had changed in the last couple of months. Miles had done so much for me. More than he would ever realize. And I was so thankful for him. And when I went, I knew I would think of Miles and thank him because he'd been with me the most throughout my forgiveness journey.

     "You and Shane are back together, right?" Miles asked.

     "Yeah, we are," I said quietly. "Well, kind of. It's a bit complicated, but basically I told Shane to take it slow."