Before I Go

Chapter 23

Past

     Days had passed by since I talked to Miles and the more days that passed, the lonelier I felt. It finally sunk in that Shane was gone and that he would never come back. I had lost him and it was all my fault, and even though I wanted that, it still left me aching. It still left me missing him and I didn't know what to do.

     Groaning, I wondered when my parents would shut up. They were still arguing and yelling at each other, and it was near midnight. I was exhausted and all I wanted was for sleep to consume, so I could forget about my life. But with their shouting, I couldn't fall asleep.

     And as I laid in bed, hearing their fight die down, I realized I didn't have anything in my life that made me happy. Shane had been my small bit of happiness, but he was gone now. And even though a small part of me wanted him back, I knew for his sake I couldn't tell him the truth. Shane was amazing and deserved better than a broken girl, which meant we weren't meant to be. And if I really did take my life one day, it would mean Shane wouldn't be affected.

     Soon, I fell asleep. But the entire time, I had nightmares of Shane. I dreamt of him running away from me, escaping me, as I begged for him to stay. I dreamt of him leaving me and I tossed and turned in bed, wondering why I was scared of him leaving, when I was the one to leave.

*****

     I heard the doorbell ring and I paused before I went to open the door. I was home alone and I hated talking to strangers, but my dad would be mad if I missed something important. So because of that, I pulled the door open to see who it was.

     And when I saw Shane standing in front of me, holding a cardboard box, my jaw dropped. It had been a week since I last saw him and I didn't expect to see him again. Especially, on my front porch.

     "Hey," I said, still in shock.

     "Here," Shane said, handing the box to me. "I want no memory of you, so I brought back everything you gave me."

     In shock, I let Shane drop the box into my hands and I held it, unable to believe what he said. I stared at him, unable to form the words I wanted to say.

      "Okay, that's all I wanted to do," Shane then said, turning to leave.

     "Wait," I said, snapping out of it. "Shane, you should keep this stuff. You don't need to give it back."

     Shane whirled around to stare at me. His face was expressionless and I glanced into the box I held, noticing the millions of gifts I'd given to Shane throughout the years were in it. Starting from the first stuff bear I gave Shane when I was seven, there were gifts from years of friendship and I couldn't believe Shane was returning everything to me.

     "I don't want it," Shane said. "Not after what you did."

     "I know what I did was horrible, but that doesn't mean you have to give back the gifts I gave you," I said. "I gave you all these gifts when I was the old me. Don't throw away our past."

      "You really are heartless, aren't you?"

     I stared him, feeling my heart drop at his harsh words. My entire life, Shane had been nothing but sweet and kind. I couldn't believe he could be so angry and blunt.

     "You know what, I have a question for you," Shane said. "Be honest. Was everything a lie?"

     "What was a lie?" I asked, confused.

     "Everything." Shane's eyes grew sad as he stared at me, but I noticed he was trembling. "The way you told me you'd marry me if I popped the question now. The way we talked about our futures together and how many kids we'd have. And how I'd be a teacher and you'd be a guidance councillor, and we'd work at the same school. You told me so many things, gave me so much hope that we'd have a happily ever after, and then you cheated on me. Why would you spend months lying to me?"

     I stared at Shane in utter shock. Everything he was saying left me speechless. I'd never seen Shane so feverish, so upset, and it left me drowning in what I'd done.

     "It wasn't a lie, Shane," I said, unsure of what to say. "But... things change."

     "You changed," Shane said, growing angrier now. "You were everything I ever wanted. I loved you more than I loved myself and I wanted our relationship to never end, but you forced it to end. I would have done anything for you, but not anymore. 

     "And it's crazy too because I always thought you were so kind and loving. My favourite part of you was your loving heart. But turns out, you're an absolutely selfish person."

     I winced at Shane's harsh words. They were like a dagger to the heart. And even though I deserved it and I had intentionally tried to hurt him, I so badly wanted to apologize and tell Shane the truth. As I watched him stare at me with a stricken expression, I so badly wanted to let him know that I wasn't a liar. That I hadn't changed. But knowing this wasn't the right thing to do, I said nothing.

      "I don't know why I'm telling you this," Shane said, sighing. He seemed to realize there was no point in arguing with me and I bit my lip to fight back the truth. "But I guess I just need closure. That's also why I returned your stuff."

      Shane sighed and ran his fingers through his black hair. My grip tightened on the box I held and I stared at him, wondering what to do. Panic was seeping in and a part of me wanted to tell him to stay. As I thought about how lonely I'd been, of how I lost my only source of happiness, I so badly wanted to tell him that I loved him and that was exactly why I hurt him, but I bit my lip harder, as if to remind myself that I was protecting Shane.

      "Well, I guess this was the closure I needed," Shane said. "This is goodbye I guess. Forever. This is the end of our story."

     Shane didn't wait for me to respond. He then turned around and walked off and I stared at him, wishing I would say something. Anything, to show my true self.

     But knowing I couldn't, I simply said, "Goodbye."

     To my surprise, Shane hesitated. He froze for a mere second and in that moment, I so badly wanted to run after him and tell him that I still loved him. I so badly wanted to tell that I cheated on him because I loved him so much and that I couldn't imagine a life without him. But knowing I couldn't let my cheating go to waste, I remained frozen in my spot.

      And then, Shane continued to walk back to his house. I watched him the entire way, thinking about him and wondering what to do. But before I knew it he entered his house and slammed the door shut. And not once, did he look back.

      And that was when I began to cry as I thought about how this was it. As I held onto everything I ever gave Shane, I realized he was officially out of my life and I couldn't stand the thought of that. I didn't want to live a life without Shane, but it looked like I might have to. And with that thought in my mind, I spent the whole day crying, wondering what I'd done so wrong to deserve this life. I wondered why I had to suffer.