Before I Go

Chapter 21

Present

      I walked over to Miles who was sitting on our usual bench. My heart was pounding with fear as I thought back to how I almost forced my lips upon Miles. It was so wrong and I feared Miles would never forgive me.

     Nearing Miles, I watched as he whipped his head to look at me. He stared at me for a moment before sighing and I froze, only a few feet away. Miles looked exhausted and I wondered if he was done with me.

      "Hey," I said. "I wanted to talk to you."

     "About?" Miles asked.

      "What happened the other day... how I tried to kiss you when you told me you didn't want to kiss me." I looked down, ashamed. "I'm sorry. That was so messed up of me to do. I was about to violate your consent and I'm so sorry. I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore."

      Miles didn't say anything for a moment. And afraid, I whipped my head up to look at him, wondering what was gong on. But upon seeing the sad look he wore, I froze.

      "Mia, I understand why you do what you do. I've always understood you, even though your logic frustrates me. What you did was wrong, but I understand you were under a lot of stress," Miles said. "But more than anything, I'm glad you talked to Shane about everything. He more than anyone else deserved to know the truth."

      I grew relieved at Miles words. Miles was too nice, I knew. No matter what I did, no matter how horrible I was, he always empathized. And for that, I was thankful.

      "I'm glad I told him the truth," I said. "Thanks for telling me to go after him."

     "No worries," Miles said, smiling a bit. "So, are you guys back together?"

     "No, no. We're definitely not."

      I bit my lip at the thought of Shane and I dating again. My heart yearend for that, wanted it so badly, but I wouldn't let it happen. Not with my upcoming birthday.

      "Why not?" Miles asked.

      "I don't know," I said, looking away. I couldn't tell Miles the truth, so I tried to hide my expression. "I guess... I'm just scared."

      "Mia, it's okay to love Shane. I know why you're scared, but you deserve to love and be loved."

      "No it's not! Not when I'm me!"

       I covered my mouth quickly, surprised I had snapped. Flushing, I gave Miles an apologetic look. I hadn't meant to snap, but with Shane now devouring my mind, I felt terrified about what I felt for him and what he seemed to feel back.

      "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled," I said. "But I just love Shane so much and I don't know what to do. You know why I shouldn't love him and that's exactly why I'm so scared."

      "Shane accepts the broken parts of you. He doesn't care that you're depressed and doesn't think he deserves better," Miles said. "He loves you with his entire heart. Don't be scared of him breaking your heart."

      "That's not the problem."

     I said it so quietly I could tell Miles barely caught it. But when he did, his eyebrows furrowed as he stared at me. He didn't seem to understand what I meant by that, but I knew exactly what I meant.

      "Mia!"

      I looked to my right and saw Shane walking up to us. My eyes widened at the sight of him and then my heart melted when I saw him grinning. Despite what I told him, despite what I did, Shane never stopped caring about me.