Before I Go

Chapter 20

Past

      Living a life without Shane was strange. As I trudged my way through the hallways alone, looking for a place to eat lunch, I thought about how Shane should be at my side. I thought about how he'd tell me a silly joke to brighten up my mood, but with him gone he couldn't. And with him gone, I felt empty.

     It was all my fault. I chose to push Shane away. I chose to cheat on him. But yet, I couldn't help but ache at the missing part of my soul. Shane and I had spent ten years together and I wasn't accustomed to being alone.

      Pausing, I grew surprised when I saw Miles standing by his locker. His shoulders were slumped, his body sulking as he rummaged through his locker. Staring at him, I thought about how he also lost Shane. Because of me, we both lost someone who'd been our world.

      So thinking about what I did to Miles, I realized he deserved an explanation. He deserved to know the truth. Not only for his own sake, but for mine, too. With such a heavy secret to carry, I knew I needed to get it out.

      So rushing up to Miles, I tapped his shoulder and he jumped. He whirled around to face me, his brown eyes wide and full of shock, and I forced a smile. And upon seeing that it was me, Miles eyes hardened.

      "Mia, no offense but I want nothing to do with you," Miles said. "Ever."

      "Miles... can I just explain why I did what I did?" I asked. "You can hate me forever, but let me explain before I get out of your life."

      Miles stared at me for a moment, analyzing me. And I stared back, unfazed. We both knew he wanted answers.

      "Fine," Miles said. "I keep replaying what went down on my birthday over and over again in my mind and it doesn't make sense to me why you kissed me. So yes, Mia. I need an explanation."

      I grew relieved and beckoned Miles to follow me. I went outside and went towards an empty wooden bench. I sat down immediately and Miles sat next to me, his eyes on the large, grassy field in front of us. And on that very field was Shane, who was playing soccer with his friends.

      My heart stammered at the sight of Shane. The last time I saw him was at Miles' birthday party. And the last thing he told me was that he hated me. And at the very memory, I found myself wanting to break down. Although I kept telling myself it was for the best, every time I went back to that moment, I wanted to break down.

      "So, Mia," Miles said. "Tell me why exactly you asked to kiss me? Why you chose to cheat on your boyfriend? And why you chose to ruin my friendship with Shane? Why would you do that."

      Miles voice was rising and I winced. Sometimes I forgot about the pain I caused Miles as well. Because I'd been selfish, I dragged him down with me, which had been unfair.

      "I know this is going to sound crazy, but I did it to protect Shane," I said. "It was all for him."

     Miles blinked. He looked at me as if I was insane.

      "Mia, I seriously think you're losing it," Miles said. "How is cheating on him going to protect him? That's hurting him instead!"

      "But being with me would have hurt him more!" I exclaimed.

      Miles eyes flew wide and I stared at him, feeling my heart shatter. And with that, my heart began to pour.

      "Miles, I'm a mess mentally. My life is so shitty and I don't even want to be alive anymore. I'm so miserable and my misery is something no one should ever deal with, especially Shane," I said, tearing up. "I love Shane more than anything in this world and he's an incredible person. But that means that he deserves better. He doesn't deserve someone like me, who might not even be alive next year. So I had to push Shane away. To make him let go of me, I had to break his heart so he'd forget about me."