Before I Go

Chapter 25

Present

      With my birthday nearing, I realized I needed to talk to my mom before I went. As I pushed back thoughts of Shane sobbing, as I numbed myself to the thought of hurting my mom, I made my way downstairs to the living room, where my mom sat on the couch. She was watching a movie and I stared at her for a moment, thinking about how small she was.

     Taking a deep breath in, I went over to the couch she sat on and sat next to her, and my mom looked at me. She gave me a small smile and I smiled back. Reminding myself my dad was only napping, I realized I needed to be quick with what I said.

     "I was thinking about how you told me we'd get out of this situation one day," I said, watching my mom grow surprised. "And I just wanted to let you know that I really hope you get out of this situation one day. You're a good person who was given a shitty situation and I really hope one day you'll be free. You never deserved any of this."

     My mom frowned. She looked confused and I looked away, feeling uneasy. Even though I still had a week until my birthday, I had to start saying my goodbyes.

     "Why are you talking as if you won't be with me when we escape?" my mom asked. "When I leave you leave. There's no way I'll leave you with that monster."

     "Sorry," I said, looking back. I forced a smile, hoping my lie would be believable. "I meant to say us."

     "Better be both of us. I've been making plans for our escape. I've been applying to better jobs and I'm hoping I'll land one so we can move out and start a new life." My mom sighed, looking exhausted. "One day... Hopefully a year from now, we'll be free. We'll be okay."

     I paused. As I thought about a future without my dad, I wondered if then I would be okay. I wondered if maybe, my life would finally be normal. But knowing I couldn't gamble on a chance, I forced the thought away.

     "That sounds great," I said quietly. "That sounds like a better life."

     "It will be," my mom said, smiling. "Me and you will be together forever and that's all I need in life. Just my little girl."

     I gulped, growing uneasy at my mom's words. She sounded so hopeful and confident, but I knew by now that hope never did me well. At this point in my life, I knew it was better to give up than to suffer any longer. So even thought my mom's words had hope blossoming in me, I pushed those feelings away. I hated the idea of hurting my mom, but I had to be selfish for once.

     "You're a strong woman," I said, smiling. "And you can get through anything."

     "You're a strong girl, too," my mom said, smiling. She reached over and ran her fingers through my hair gently, pushing it back. I welcomed the touch, realizing how little we showed affection to each other. "And I'm so sorry for making you grow up too fast. I'm sorry I gave you this horrible life. It eats away at me, but I can't go back and undo what I've done."

     I reached over and hugged my mom. It made me sad that I wasted so many years avoiding her, afraid to deal with my dad that I thought came as package deal. But now that we talked things through a bit, I realized my mom had always loved me and I regretted not trying to build a stronger bond with her. That was one of the things I'd regret in the afterlife.

     "It's okay. You did nothing wrong," I said quietly, holding my mom tightly. "But, I want you to stay strong. Things will get better."

     "I really hope they do," my mom said. "With me and you leaving a year from now, I'm confident things will be okay."