Just Keep Walking

One hundred and twenty three

The rest of the day was filled with planning for the battle, and Mary spend her time sharpening knives with Henry, the pair silent and angry that they'd been banned from the fight.
When night began to fall, Mary refused to eat, a silent protest, and wouldn't have a shower or brush her teeth, simply sat on her tiny camp bed, scribbling pictures on an old notepad.
"Mary, you need to..." Rick began, and Mary put her hands over her ears, making nonsense noise loudly to block out Rick's voice.
"Mary." Rick snapped sharply, Michonne walking in, hearing the noise.
"Mary." Michonne whispered, prying a hand away from her ear, but Mary simply glared at them both.
"Let me go." Mary hissed, and Rick exhaled sharply, his patience growing thin.
"Mary, we've been over this. You're not going. It's too dangerous."
"I don't care! I want to go! Let me go! Let me go!" Mary shouted, her face wrinkling.
"Mary Grimes." Rick warned, but Mary was having a full blown, furious tantrum.
"I hate you! I hate you! Let me go! Let me fight! You'd let Carl! You would, so let me! Let me GO! Or I'll hate you! I HATE YOU! I want Carl, and I want Glenn, not you! Let me fight! Let me go! Let me help and fight! Or I'll not like you!" Mary roared.
"I DO NOT CARE, MARY! I HAVE LOST ONE CHILD AND I WILL NOT LOSE ANOTHER! YOU STAY HERE!" Rick shouted to Mary.
"He killed Glenn! I want to help stop him! I want to help you! I want to kill him!"
"MARY, NO! LISTEN TO ME! YOU ARE NOT COMING! I WILL NOT PUT YOU IN THAT SORT OF DANGER! YOU STAY HERE!"
"Rick!" Michonne shouted, and Rick realised how loud he was shouting, so loud his throat was burning, how threatening he seemed, how scared Mary's eyes were.
But she still stood stubbornly, staring at him, one fist clenched, with teary eyes.
"I'm sorry." Rick whispered, raising a shaky hand to his head. Then he left, brushing past a small cluster of concerned people at the doorway, and once he was gone, Mary burst into tears and Michonne held her tightly. 
"It's okay. Sweetie, it's okay. Let it all out." Michonne soothed, holding her close.
"Daddy hates me now." Mary sobbed.
"Your daddy would never hate you. Don't be silly." Michonne whispered into Mary's ear.
"I want Carl!"
"I know you do. I know." Michonne nodded, her voice gentle and broken.
"It's not fair! I want him back, Mishy! I want him back!"
"I know, baby girl. I know. Listen, me and daddy have to go. And you have to stay here. You have to look after Judith. And I know Enid wants to play with you. Or have a big girl talk. Enid wants you here, okay? With her. She needs your help in protecting this place. Protecting Judith and Gracie."
"Okay," Mary nodded slowly, "okay."
"Mary. I'm sorry." Rick said shakily, walking back into the room, a shaky hand running through his hair. "It was a bad thing to shout at you. It really was, I was nasty, and I'm really sorry."
"I know. You're sad too." Mary nodded slowly.
"Yeah. But I can't take it out on you." Rick replied, walking over. He picked her up, and held her close in his arms. "I love you so much, Mary. So much. Don't ever doubt it. But I need you to stay safe. I need both of my girls safe, okay?"
"Okay."
"Good girl."
"I miss Carl, daddy. I miss Carl!"
"Baby. Okay... Carl is in a better place now. You know he is, yeah? He's in no pain."
"He's safe too," Michonne added, holding Mary's hand gently, a tear down her cheek, "He's with Glenn and your mommy."
Mary looked at Rick slowly, and he nodded. "Then that means that he's with Sophia and Andre. And Sasha and Tyreese and Abe and Dale and Bethie and Hershel." Mary said gently, looking into her father's eyes.
"Yeah. So," Rick replied tearfully, "he's happy and safe. He has people there."
"And he won't miss me too much. Because he can play with Andre. Because Andre is his brother. So it's like me and him. But if I was a boy." Mary nodded slowly, and Michonne closed her eyes, a few tears coming out, then she kissed Mary's cheek, then her forehead.
"You'll come home, won't you?" Mary asked shakily.
"I... I'll try my hardest. Okay? I won't lie to you. I can't promise. I won't promise you I won't die. You deserve better than a promise like that, because no one can make a promise like that. But I'll try my hardest. Mary, I'm gonna try my hardest. And I'm gonna come back to you, and make this right. And we can go back to Alexandria, and be a family again. Me and you and Mishy and Judith."
"I'll forgive you for being mean. But Siddiq gets to be part of the family too. He promised Carl he'd be my person. He's my Uncle Sid. I'll forgive you for shouting, if you forgive him."
"Yeah. Yeah, I can do that." Rick nodded shakily, cupping the side of Mary's face.
"I'm still cross."
"Yeah. I know."
That night, Mary slept in her own bed.

In the morning, Rick plaited Mary's hair tightly into her head, weaving all of his love for her into the plait. She was silent as he did so, still shaken from his words last night, and he was filled with guilt.
"Alright. Shall we get some lunch together before I go?" Rick asked gently, and Mary nodded.
"Can me and you have a lunch picnic party? Just us?" Mary asked suddenly, and Rick nodded with a smile.
"Yeah. Yeah, we can. And look what I've had hidden away for you. Found it the other day, and thought it'd be a nice treat for you to have while you wait for us to come back today. But I supposed we can have some now if we're having a picnic party." Rick said with a sparkling smile, putting a hand deep into his pocket, and pulling out a handful of yellow sweets, wrapped in thin layers of slightly dusty plastic.
"Sweets?!" Mary asked, her eyes lighting up, and Rick chuckled.
"Yeah. They're lemon sherbets. They... They used to be your mom's favourites. Mommy Lori."
"I'll go get our picnic blanket ready." Mary grinned, grabbing a patchwork quilt from the bed. She ran outside, the blanket trailing behind her, and spread it on the grass, waiting for Rick. He arrived a few minutes later, with two parsnips, a carrot, the sweets, and, to Mary's joy, a can of coke.
"Look what we found the other week. Figured we can have them today. The sugar will keep our energy up." Rick said with a grin, showing her the fizzy drink, and Mary's smile only grew.
"This really is a party." Mary nodded, chewing at her parsnip. Rick split the drink, pouring half into a beaker for Mary, and she drank some quickly, savouring the taste.
"You're gonna try your hardest, right? Try your hardest to come back."
"Yeah. Of course I will." Rick reassured, Mary's face visibly relaxing.
"I'm so scared this is goodbye."
"It isn't. Okay? It isn't." Rick said firmly, and they ate the rest of their food in silence. When they were finished, Mary sat plucking at the grass, as Rick went to discuss more battle plans. After half an hour, it was time for them to leave, and Mary sighed sharply.
"Okay. I'll see you soon, okay?" Rick assured her, Judith in his arms.
"Super soon?"
"Super soon." Michonne promised, squeezing Mary's shoulder.
"I love you. Both of you." Rick said to the two girls, putting Judith down next to Mary. Judith grabbed Mary's hand, looking up at her older sister intently.
"I love you too." Mary whispered, looking at the floor.
"Alright. Here's your sweeties. Share them with Judy." Rick smiles softly, putting the lemon sherbets in Mary's other hand, and Mary hugged him tightly as he did, then Michonne.
"Alright. You stay with Enid. Do as she says." Michonne added, as she pried Mary off of her, kissing her cheek a million times.
"Bye. Bye." Mary nodded slowly, going to walk away, towards Enid, Judith following her, Mary's face tearful broken.
"Hey, Moo?" Rick shouted, and Mary's head turned towards his voice.
"Yeah?"
"You can put Carl's hat on. If you want."
Mary nodded slowly, then walked to Enid, but not before turning her head to her parents, and shouting that she loved them one more time. Then she cried for the rest of the afternoon, sulking in the bedroom, refusing to talk, holding Carl's hat to her chest, the sherbet lemons, a knife, and her tiny gun beside her.