Just Keep Walking

One hundred and twenty five

When they got home that afternoon, Mary flew straight into Rick's arms, and they stayed together, just the pair of them, holding each other on the deck of their house for a while. And they could both finally breathe again. They both felt at peace.
That night, no one went into Mary and Carl's room; it was too raw, too sad. The parts of their house that hadn't been burnt down were filled with memories of Carl, and Rick knew that even if they could repair and restore the house, he maybe didn't want to. All he saw was Carl. And it was the one thing he couldn't have, and he hated it.
They all stayed in the same bed that night, Mary and Judith in between Michonne and Rick, but none of them slept apart from the youngest, the elder three all restless. After fighting for so long, it didn't seem real that they were safe. They could adjust, not just yet. They couldn't feel safe again in that house yet. That empty house that was missing the teenager that once occupied it.
The next morning, Mary found one of Carl's shirts. It was covered in blood, with a bite mark piercing it; he'd been wearing it when he died. She gave it to Michonne, her body shaking with sobs. "Can you wash it? Get the blood off?"
"Yeah." Michonne nodded softly, and did as Mary said. Mary wore that shirt to sleep in every night for the next few years. It was her part of Carl; she never used to be able to sleep without him. Now she slept restlessly in his shirt, holding her bunny. She just wanted to be near to Carl. Every day, every morning before breakfast, she'd wonder over to their porch, and sob. She'd rest her hand over Carl's blue handprint, wanting to hold his hand one last time, needing him by her one last time. And every morning she had to remember that she couldn't ever get her wish. He couldn't ever come back and hold her hand for one last time. Never.

It was almost a month before life truly returned to some form of normality at Alexandria. In Mary's eyes, it wouldn't ever be normal; Carl was dead, and Maggie was at Hilltop, Carol was at the Kingdom, and Daryl, Tara, Rosita, and Eugene were at the Sanctuary. Aaron was a widower, and now a single father. Half the houses were destroyed from the fires that took place the night Carl was bit.
Mary still cried every day, and slept in Michonne and Rick's bed. She barely ate, and only did the bare minimum of what Rick told her to do. Siddiq became worried she was depressed, to which Rick admitted, but couldn't deny the fact that he didn't know what to do; she was depressed because he brother was dead, and he couldn't bring Carl back. He couldn't fix this.
But day by day, Mary got back to her old self. Michonne would make Mary and Judith pancakes every morning, and then they'd go to their own little groups; Mary to the makeshift school, and Judith to some form of a toddler play group with the handful of other children under five. At lunchtime, Mary would call Rosita on the walkie, and occasionally Daryl and Maggie - Daryl didn't like making calls, but he'd make an exception for Mary. After lunch, Mary would help Siddiq in the infirmary. And then she'd help her father with whatever he was doing; farming, hunting, scavenging, whatever he wanted. At nights, they made dinner together as a family, and Aaron almost always joined them. And every day before bed, Rick read a story to Mary and Judith. Everyday, he kissed them goodnight, and sang, and tucked them in.
Everyday, they tried to get into a routine, tried to give the children their lives back. And slowly, day by day, Mary came back. It was slow at first, but eventually, she was back. She was broken, yes, but she was back. Day by day, she began to smile more, laugh more. And eventually, she was happy again. She had less nightmares, and she began to sleep in her own bed, in Judith's bedroom. She began to wake up with a smile, and go downstairs and make orange juice, as Michonne whisked the pancake batter. She began to excel in school, and after only a few weeks, she was reading and writing almost fluently, and her maths was quick and flawless. She began to learn more from Siddiq, and could name the signs of infection as quickly as she could name the members of her family. She began playing beautiful, imaginative games with Judith, and helping Aaron with Gracie. She began to sing alongside Rick at night. She began to thrive again.

One morning, after asking Siddiq, Mary and him left the hospital and went hand in hand to Carl's grave. It was what she needed. What she wanted. She hadn't been to see Carl alone since he'd died, and she finally knew it was time. She was only six and a half, but wise beyond her years. So Siddiq went with her, and stayed a few metres away as she spoke to her brother.
"Hey." Mary whispered softly, beginning to cry, holding her sheriff hat in her hands and sitting on on ground. "I miss you. Daddy's sad all the time now. So am I. Mom is sad too. They keep crying, and I do too. I'm so sad. I just want you back. Not as a Walker, but as my brother and a person. But we're getting better. We're feeling better, I promise. We're still sad, but we're not just sad. We're getting to be happy and sad. We can be both. I think we can be both. And you'd like that. Carl, are you with mommy? Tell her I love her and I miss her. And Glenny. Tell him I love him and I'm looking after Maggie. But I love you the mostest, you and daddy. I miss you. Your bed still smells like you, but I don't sleep there. It makes me too sad. Carl, I miss you." Mary sobbed. "I just wish you could say it back."
Mary looked at the flowers in his grave, the gun leant on his cross marker. She didn't understand a lot of things, religion being one of them, but she knew Carl wasn't religious, and the cross was for religion. Mary didn't see a cross; she saw a kiss, an X on its side, just as Michonne had suggested.
"I'm happy that you're in a nice place. I know it's a nice place. Mom promised. And you're playing with Glenn and Andre and Sophia, and mommy is looking after you all. I love you. I'm gonna go now. I said I'd go help Siddiq with the hospital. I think he wants to distract me but I like him. He's your friend so I love him. Maggie is angry at daddy and mom, but she still loves us, don't worry. Negan's here too. I called him a shit and he laughed and said I'm just like you. That made me happy. I'll see you soon." Mary whispered, kissing the cross, the she left, putting her hat on her head, and going to help the others, her favourite thing to do. And she did it with Carl's hat on her head, filled with pride.
"You're just like him." Siddiq smiled shakily, taking the child's hand.
Mary's heart burst. Then she nodded slowly. "I know. I'm a badass asskicker.  I'm like Carl. I'm Mary fucking Grimes. I'm not scared of anything. And I'm just like my brother."

And that's a wrap... For this book! The first chapter of the new book, Tomorrow Will Come, will be released on Wednesday, and until then I thought it would be fun to do a Q&A! So, ask any questions (here or on messages), and they can be about anything... This book, Mary, other characters, the next book, or me if you're interested ahahaha. I'll answer them all on Teusday ( the 28th). Sending love.