Please don't go! [YiZhan FF]✔️

-2- What's wrong?

-2- What's wrong?

Unfortunately there was no getting to Zhan in the following days. He drove to school alone, spent his breaks somewhere else and drove home alone again. He didn't talk to me at home either. Our parents were also surprised. They only ever saw us together and we called each other's parents Mom and Dad.

Our parents were worried because Zhan was so withdrawn. He looked pale and tired, hardly ate anything and didn't talk to anyone. I was asked by our parents what happened between us and I answered them honestly that I didn't know. But that it had started since I started dating Emily. Our parents didn't like Emily, and they were united in saying, "Oh, well, then we're not surprised." Well, I was surprised.

I decided to give Zhan enough space and time to think and then come and talk to me at some point. He's always been the closed-off guy who needed some time for himself when something was bothering him.

So I concentrated on my girlfriend and our relationship in the following days, until I went to the cinema with Zhan. I thought then, maybe you don't have to be in love at the beginning when you start a relationship, maybe the feelings would come with the time. Like they say, love grows over time.

But I had a strange feeling inside me, like I was hurting Zhan even more. I was so confused that I even visited my grandma, told her everything, saying in tears that I missed my best friend and my usually loving and understanding grandma slapped me on the back of my head and said I was a total idiot. I didn't see that coming.

I asked her why she did that and she gave me a sinister stare. "You say you miss your best friend, you want him by your side, but at the same time you let him down and focus on this girl." She sounded really angry when she said that. I knew she loved Zhan very much and treated him like her own biological grandson. Maybe that's why she was so angry, I didn't know.

Late Saturday night I looked out of my bedroom window, I was thinking about Zhan again. And that's when I saw him. He was lying with earphones in his ears on the wooden platform in the yard under the big oak tree, looking up into the starry sky. The wind was mild but strong and swayed a few strands of Zhan's hair back and forth. I always thought he looked good, but in that moment, he looked adorably beautiful.

I left my room and ran outside to him, I had a big blanket with me, lay down next to him and covered us both. I took his hand and held it tight to my chest and looked up at the starry sky with him. A few minutes later he handed me one of his earphones and together we listened to the song that was playing.

Hearing the song, I turned my eyes away from the sky and looked over to Zhan. He had his eyes closed and his long lashes moved slightly from the wind that was blowing in his face. I've always liked looking at him, I've always admired his beauty.

Someone in the house turned off the yard light and suddenly darkness reigned around us. It took a moment for my eyes to get used to the darkness before I could see Zhan again. I turned on my side and stroked his cheek. He turned his head towards me and slowly opened his eyes, he said nothing and just looked at me. I leaned forward and kissed his forehead. "I love you ZhanZhan, I miss you as my best friend. Please be soon the same, okay?" I whispered.

Zhan nodded and I laid my head on his chest. As so often I listened to his heart beating, but this time it was different. It was racing. I raised my head, looked him in the face, a new song was playing and it was as if the song was reading directly from my inner being. I slid up a bit and bent over Zhan, he looked at me with big eyes. 

With my hand I closed his eyes and gave him a kiss, it was an incredible feeling when I did this. I took my hand off his eyes and put it on his cheek, I did not dare to separate our lips, I did not want to lose this feeling again. This crazy tingling that spread all over my body, this feeling that I am doing the right thing, that I am finally doing what I have secretly longed for such a long time.

When someone knocked at the wooden door to the yard, I released my lips from Zhan's mouth and looked at the door. "Wait here." I whispered to Zhan and crawled off the platform. I went to the door and opened it, it was Emily. She hugged me and whined, she missed me so much, she wanted to see me again before she went to sleep. She said she knew I was outside and wanted to take the chance to say good night to me. Then suddenly she kissed me. I was terrified.

Only when Emily finished the short kiss did I come back to my senses, I turned around to the platform, but it was empty. Zhan was gone and only the blanket was left. I was angry, but not at Emily, but at myself, because I forgot I had a girlfriend, because I kissed Zhan and left him behind, because I let Zhan see Emily kissing me.

I wished Emily a good night and sent her away, I ran into the house and wanted to knock on Zhan's door, but there was no light shining through and so I let it be. I was so confused about my own feelings that I retreated to my room and thought it was better to pretend the kiss didn't happen. Even though I knew that this was probably impossible.

My fear of not being able to explain to Zhan why I kissed him and immediately let Emily kiss me was groundless. Because Zhan continued to avoid me. I longed for him, I missed him so incredibly, but I couldn't bring myself to go up to him and tell it to him. Not after what I did.

I continued as before, even though I knew it was wrong. Even though everything inside me was screaming to finally admit my feelings for Zhan. But cowardly as I was, I stayed with Emily. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was in love with Zhan. Because that would mean I was gay, I was different and I would be judged. How could I explain to my parents that their only son is gay and loves his best friend, the son of their best friends?

After a few days I calmed down a bit and everything returned to normal. On Thursday Zhan came up to me during breakfast break and asked me if we still wanted to go to the cinema on Friday, I nodded and he gave me a cinema ticket. "Then I'll see you there." He said.

"Why there? We live in the same house, we can go there together." I said.

"No, I've got a few things to do tomorrow and then I'll come to the cinema." Zhan replied and then left the classroom, Chuyue was waiting for him at the door.

Whenever I see Zhan and this Chuyue together, it burns like fire inside me and I get angry. But this time I didn't even have time to be angry, because Emily got upset about not being invited to the cinema. "Your so-called best friend can't stand me. That's bullying already." She bitched around and dragged my face to her. "Why don't you tell him to treat me more nicely?"

"What's he doing? He leaves you alone."

"But he's your best friend, shouldn't he try to be friends with me in some way?"

What could I say? I was silent and looked at the window, I saw Zhan and Chuyue sitting on a bench outside, Chuyue had his arm around Zhan, and that fire was burning inside me again. I felt the heat reaching my face and I got so angry I wanted to shout out of the window that he should keep his hands off Zhan. But I kept silent, because Emily grabbed my face with both hands and pressed a kiss on me. I saw Zhan looking up at the window. Chuyue covered Zhan's eyes with one hand. While I stood motionless and stiff as if in shock, and let Emily kiss me. I hated myself at that moment.